you are now in the Jowee territory

Change of Space

2011-07-18T13:02:00.002+08:00

I forgot to tell my blogspot people that I've started blogging here>>

www.teejowee.wordpress.com

So do relink me.

Thank you and see you there!

Eat inspiration for breakfast

2011-06-07T16:14:00.002+08:00

Taken of the style rookie herself- Tavi Gevinson

I was talking to a friend yesterday, and we were musing over all the ways one could truly be inspired. Being the quirky person she is, she went on to google "how to be inspired", point blank. Boy, why didn't I think of that myself right?

Anyway, we actually ended up with quite a good source that painted a fairly accurate portrayal of what we were looking to find. (link)

Inspiration happens when you surround yourself with the feelings you want to create. by engaging with those things, emotions, and all that you're inspired by, you're more likely to feel inspired to move in the direction you want to go.

I'm excited because I just had a big bowl of inspiration for breakfast today.

On another note, I'm starting a wordpress account. I'm still tweaking its settings and making it look good for the big switcheroo. So stay tuned.

A Tip for Boys

2011-05-23T18:24:00.004+08:00

Sigh, okay.

I love you guys, but seriously, SERIOUSLY, here's one tip that would make life much, much easier.

First of all, if you want to compliment a girl, just come right out and say it.

For example, if you see a girl looking pretty in a picture, and its very obvious that she looks amazing in that picture, just say " You look gorgeous." Its that simple. No need to go one step back and be like "You look.... different..." or "hmmm.... I think that flower in the background isn't on right..." or anything else said on purpose to deviate from the actual intention.

You guys always say girls beat around the bush, and don't get straight to the point, but dude, just coming right out and saying it would fare so much better in your favor than the insult/compliment thing you guys always do when you don't want the girl to know that you think she's hot.

And if you're too shy to say it, just click 'like'. Or if you're even too shy to click like, don't.

You sound so much worse when you insult her when everyone else is saying how great she looks.

Same goes for face to face contact. You know she looks great, so just say "You look great." and girls says "Thank you" and all that shy-shy moment will pass.

Keep it simple.

And girls, when a guy pays you a compliment, just say "thank you"

Don't need to be all "fake humilty" and go "nooooo..." or make the guy feel stupid for paying you a compliment. You want more compliments, learn how to take it.

END story.

Toast

2011-05-16T12:39:00.003+08:00

I’m toasting my socks on the heater.

Of course you can’t do that because it will burn the whole house down, but I can’t help it.

I’m looking at the lone Bluegh and white polka dotted socks on the heater and it makes me chuckle.

(bluegh: how I imagine a Frenchman would say blue)

Mostly cause I imagine it is quite like roasting marshmallows. Although technically you also aren’t supposed to roast marshmallows on the heater too. So it’s doubly funny.Then of course you might wonder what's wrong with my sense of humor. But in any case if you’re not wondering, then you are quite cool and we ‘bro-s’.

I went out to grab two chocolate cookies from the fridge. Without so much as a turn of her head from the T.V., Nadia went, “you’re grabbing cookies again aren’t you?” I whimpered a pathetic “yes…” to which she said, “oh my Gawd! you’re so predictable.” Tis true folks, 8.15 is cookie- grabbing time.

On another note, the doorknobs are colder than usual. The weather dropped tremendously last week. People are saying its like winter, only its Autumn. I was commissioned to write a piece about… (sorry its so hush- hush I can’t mention it right now only after its published I guess), but alas! I have not written one yet because its like this- just like how I open too many links and tabs and read all of them halfway, I open multiple word documents and write them all halfway.

I’m brilliant at starting things, because inspiration for me comes in great barrages, and when I do write I know its cause I’m all on faiyah. But fire burns out quickly and I am stuck with 3-4 incomplete pieces. Though in actual fact the real number is probably like 13, inclusive of blog posts. So. Shrugs*

Such is the life of a procrastinator.

I wish I could produce hits every single time. I talk of it like it has a formula. I’m pretty sure to a certain extent there is. But I do not have the ability to draw brilliance from my buttocks. This is the point where you say my buttocks are brilliant in themselves if jokes like that are your kinda jokes.

I kind of buckle under pressure. Well not buckle. I am average under pressure, while I produce brilliance when I don’t have to. Can I say that? Can I even say I produce brilliance?

Never mind. Retract statement.

Start over.

What I mean to say is, when I’m idle and bored, is when I produce my best works. Therefore, there’s value in being bored.

Um. Yes.

This. Is. Not. Brilliance. This. Is. Just. Bored.

Thanks for reading.

...going back to write about migration issues now...

Righting my wrongs

2011-05-15T20:58:00.002+08:00

People always talk about doing the right thing. But no one really talks about how even by doing the right thing, it doesn’t mean that things become right.

It all comes with consequences. Many of them great, vast and causes expansive ripples, bigger than what we thought it could have took. Its more than just a mere righting a wrong between two parties. Two becomes four, and multiplies by a dozen.

Its often painful.

Instead of a weight being lifted off your shoulder, it often comes with greater fear.

Its like opening the floodgates to a great unknown or a can of worms you don't know how to fit back into the can.

By talking about it, the other person could either forgive you, or be reminded by the wrong and become further enraged by it. And even if they did forgive you, a seed is planted. You are ‘tainted’. A chip is taken out of you, and you are not perfect anymore. You are incomplete.

Coming face to face with your ugliness is scary. It’s a great process. But I’d rather think of myself less than more. I’d rather think that I had so many wrongs to right, than think that I have nothing to change at all.

I can tell you it takes so much courage and so much of ourselves to come to that point of repentance and redemption. No, even as I write that, I do not think I am brave or courageous. Its the last thing on my mind. I fear, and rightly so. It should take so much of ourselves, so that we remember never to do it again.

Today I am reminded never to do that again.

Even though its painful, I know this refinement only means I’m being molded.

I’m becoming an improved version of myself.

Today is horrible, but I'm glad it happened.

Un-friending Facebook 'Friends'

2011-05-05T15:49:00.004+08:00

I set about the business of deleting 'friends' off Facebook today.

By this I don't mean that I am that arrogant to have people be so disposable to me. By no means do I think of myself as 'popular' or so full with friends to be able to delete people thoughtlessly or effortlessly. In fact its one of the significantly harder things for me to do, because people are THAT important to me. Try as I may, I can't remove people from my life. But, I quell my anxieties with the thought of '...its just Facebook'. Facebook is not life (yes we beg to differ), and it shouldn't be.

Its just, these were mainly friends of my younger brother, those 13 year olds that spam my newsfeed with game unlockings, and requests, who chain-add me for who knows why (chain-add: when one friend adds me, followed by a slew of other friends from the same social circle mass adding). So happened I learned my lesson one day when one kid's parent, sent me a message asking me where her son was, because I am Johan's sister. Woman, don't you know where your own son is?

I also mostly deleted friends of my older sister, or older sisters of my friends, or friends of my parents that I somehow, accidentally accepted. I say accidentally because it was a step of "click" followed by an "oops". Followed by placing these people in groups and blocking them from my wall and posts.

Its not that I have anything to hide, I can always self-censor easily, its more like I know there are people that are not as accepting to the kinds of nonsense my friends say. Its an act of self-protection so things won't backfire or get blown out of proportion. So, a greater delete of church members go, and requests unaccepted.

I also learned another lesson when a church member found out I blocked him. He found out because our mutual friend was able to comment on my post, and he saw that he couldn't. He wasn't mad, he just pointed it out in the most disparaging way that only seems to add to the intensity of the slight 'hurt'.

Somewhere between the "H's" and "J's" I began to realize, how many unnecessary people we 'acquire' in our lives and how many we can so readily let go. Like the ex-boyfriend of your best girl-friend that you only accepted because he was the then, boyfriend. Then they break-up, and you see no reason having him there anymore.

There are so many people in the list that I don't even like, let alone see on a regular basis. My then response to the people I didn't like was, I'm accepting you, so I can regularly view your profile and judge you. But I'm leveling-up in life and I don't want that to be that person anymore, I'm going to be a better person. So 'delete'.

Then there are just those people you forget, maybe some of them failed to make an impact on your life, but it probably wasn't that they are forgettable, its just because there's just no chance for remembrance. Maybe it was time or distance or any other combination of factors. But they were not spared as well, and 'delete', because the mantra is, if there's always second chances to be better friends, I don't have to have you here for now, but its just for now. Its not fatalistic.

As a general rule, if it takes me more than 3 seconds to remember who you are, I should delete. Because if you really are my friend, there wouldn't even be the question of "er, who is this again?" But even with a 'general rule', its a preferential treatment system depending on so many factors. There are people that you would probably never see again, but you keep them just because you like them so much. There are those that you think will be potentials, that you must definitely keep. Then there are some that you think would be good to have, because you never know what you'll need- like the friend that constantly posts the best music links, quotes, the best random information/news clippings/ articles etc.

Yes, it sounds bad to have friends based on what they can give, but they've built their Facebook profiles upon that image and providing that kind of service. Doesn't mean I love them less if they didn't have these qualities, its just you know some people are more useful than others. This reflects life.

Then of course, there are the best friends. Those I love too much, and those that love me back the same. Funnily enough, even if I accidentally removed any one of these as 'friends' on Facebook, it doesn't even mean anything. There's always the laugh of 'oops sorry accident!' and the 'add-back', and it wouldn't change a thing.

Thanks for sticking around guys.

I delete people off Facebook periodically to de-clutter my life and clear my head. I just finished a long research paper due at 5 p.m. I typed the last word at 4.40 p.m.

Printed it out at 4.45 p.m. rushed to uni, made it in time. Swear again and again that I won't do it again, but I know I'll be swearing the same thing again the next time around. Again.

Much love,

The three things that annoyed me today

2011-05-01T20:54:00.005+08:00

I've recently gotten into the habit of spelling purposely as porpoisely, cause I like porpoises and I think its funny. I chuckle in my head, which some might think is sad, but hey that's why life is still interesting for me and I'm not all emo in the corner slitting my wrists. Oh the littlest things in life that amuse me. In addition, I've also started saying GG far too much for an educated person. Nick said I sounded like a 'lala' when I used GG.

Also, I do not get offended by the term 'lala' simply because, I don't think its a 'zha'. *shrugs*

I'm sorry, I've deviated.

Today has been an unproductive day to the maximum. Ignore the fact that I handed in my article to boss, the rest of the day was spent doing nothing, cause after a whole night out of no sleep, I deserve to do nothing.

Sorry I'm deviating again. Today's post is supposed to be about the things that annoy me:

1. People with no social skills

Here I do not simply mean the shy people that don't talk. I mean the types of people that offend others because they are too unskilled in the ways of socializing.

Example 1, If you're not close to someone, and you're asking for something, even if we're the same age, even if it was not for administrative purposes for another organization, I expect you to be nothing less than courteous, polite and use words like 'please' and 'thank you'.

What more you are taking something from me- time and information, both very valuable things in today's world, and I have no obligation to give it to you. So please do not just say "can give me your phone number?" or "can also give me her number?" Construct your sentences so as to sound at least, AT LEAST a little bit "I'm so sorry I'm taking your time".

Example 2, when making conversation, do not just ask a whole bunch of questions and not bother to listen for the answers. Nothing irks me more, when you're talking for the sake of talking, because you don't actually bother about the other person's life, you're just yapping. I am not good at small talk, it makes me awkward. I'm more a meaningful conversation kinda person, that's why I have besties that last a lifetime and I suck at parties & crowds. The world has balance.

2. Do not act like a smart ass

Stupid people befuddle me, here I am not being elitist, and I don't mean stupid as in bimbo, because some bimbos are the smartest people out there. I mean stupid people as in ignorance. Think Alexandra Wallace. Wait she is a bimbo, Nevermind. I digress. My point is, stupid people are bizarre to me, but even worst than that is smart people who know they're smart. Mainly because some of the most intelligent people are riddled with insecurity and feel the need to display that intelligence by arguing their case and putting other people down with it. Intelligence certainly does not equate to wisdom, and the proper usage of that intelligence, and it certainly does not equate to me liking you more. Stupid versus intelligent, I pick the stupid, because at least they have room for learning.

3. Spelling you're as your.

Or similar spelling mistakes. This isn't as annoying as the previous annoying, its more like that itch you can't scratch type of annoying.

Yeah. Many more. But at this point my eyes and brain are fried from all the computer usage to think. I'm going to bed! Goodnight!

A run through my mind today

2011-04-28T07:46:00.003+08:00

Taken from Meld offices

Ah~ Writers.

The room sounds with bursts of clacking keys, followed by otherwise moments of standstill silences. Boss is taking another swig of her coffee. I had just landed in Melbourne a few hours ago from Sydney. It had been a great holiday, I gained 3 kilos, and our return flight got cancelled. So instead of Tiger, we spent another $195 flying Qantas. Another cleared throat, jangling of the wrist, tapping of a foot, swivel of a chair.

I'm waiting for the nutritionist I rang earlier to get back to me, I left her a message. I'm still waiting on the Doctor so I can finish this piece.

On the other hand ...

Our trip was characterized by waiting, waiting for buses, waiting for food, waiting for the rain to stop, waiting for each other. The last one isn't that bad, I don't mind. But the rain was a killer, Jing says 'potong steam', he also says things like 'concuss' and 'tak bro', which I have recently picked up in the 5 days of hanging out.

Boss reads my article. I bite my nails on the inside. She points out a few things, but overall she likes it. Win!

We are all zany and quirky, and talk to the computer sometimes when firefox refuses to work, or something isn't loading. A flipped page of the newspaper. I can't wait to go home to 'concuss'. Next up: writing the weekly news round-up. Its like plagiarism, but not really. ;)

Feeling accomplished. You guys are reading my pieces and commenting when they come out. That way Boss will know I'm doing a good job with the traffic flow.

Thanks:)

much love.

Cambridge by Kina

2011-04-24T20:51:00.008+08:00

After hours, the shutters open to crisp, Autumnal airs and singing katydids. Fragrances of all flowery sorts- shampoo and lotions, lavender ointments and rose room sprays emanate from our pores, while a wave of warmth washes over our necks from the night's bath. There's Salman Rushdie's 'Step Across this Line' at my disposal, and my three great friends.

The apartment has us at a soft repose, drunken in peace. We're all left on our own at this time of day, Celine's listening to her French tapes, Justin and Jing are both watching a documentary on piano making, and here I am... writing. Its a good sign.

Great times are spent during the day at Easter shows, and boisterous theme parks, with the chance to pat piglets, watch cows, or ride horses. There were too many food samples to count, and wine tasting that left us in warmed cheeks full with a sense of flurried glee. I had a 9 dollar bag of my favourite Macadamia nuts, dusted in cinnamon and warm honey, and it was with that that I should have no other complaint.

My trip here has been characterized by too good food in excess, and the luxury of all those late night hoots of merriment. The night before we went to the Rocks' market, and had near gluttonous feasts of pork knuckles with gravy cooked in beer, mash, ham, stuffing, veal, sausages, and sauerkraut, all washed down with great swigs of mango beer. There was chocolate covered strawberries, macarons and the most amazing iced-chocolate set to the backdrop of twinkling lights reflected on the harbor.

After all the chatter, excited peals of laughter, and 'If you could have any superpower in the world, what would that be? -type questions' everyone's has fallen into a comfortable quiet right now. These are moments I live for, there's just something here in the air that speaks volumes of who we are, and what we have. The one that says we don't have to speak to enjoy ourselves, we don't have to come up with things to say, topics or jokes to crack, it just comes when the moment calls.

We're too ourselves to care.
Tomorrow, Bondi meets us, unless the rain does first.

Justin's brushing his teeth while watching the telly. Jing, Celine and I did a deep scrub just now with his new magical korean product. Our faces are smooth. I burst a pimple or two; Proof that I'm not perfect, but life pretty much is right now.

Writing through the brick wall

2011-04-20T16:13:00.002+08:00

For the longest time, I thought I've lost my ability to write. I failed to be inspired anymore, and I've exhausted all my topics. What was once a creative furor for posts, dwindled down to an eventual nothing. I thought that was it. I had hit a brick wall, time to venture out and expand my horizons.

Then I realized, I was wrong. I was stuck, but it wasn't because I had run to the end of the line. I was stuck because I had hit a brick wall, made out of all the things that would stop a person from moving ahead. Parts of the wall was built by all the negative comments from others, a large part of it were self-induced, brick by brick, the 'I'm not good enough', or the 'This is crap' and the other whole lot demotivation acquired when I see other people moving ahead, and leaving me behind. But what I didn't realize, was there are always walls. While I was moving ahead, I was bound to hit something, but I only hit it because I was moving ahead.

I used to write big, flowery, ambiguous posts full of loaded words, and really pretentious sounding sentences that don't really mean anything. I thought that was what made a piece of writing great. Then I found that there's so much more to writing than that. One of the greatest skill lies in making the most impact with the least amount of words. There is beauty in the clear understated forms, the most concise structures, and the humblest of sentences.

Jim Collins put it this way:

" A great piece of art is composed not just of what is in the final piece, but equally what is not. it is the discipline to discard what does not fit- to cut out what might have cost days or even years of effort-that distinguishes the truly exceptional artist and marks the ideal piece of work, be it a novel, a symphony, a painting, a company, or most important of all, a life."

It wasn't that I had run out. Its just simply, a temporary road block. It was the first time I realized that this change in my writing, isn't something that is holding me back, or making me less, its me getting better. Because the greater half of the world isn't going to sit down and digest that 4,000 word story of your life. So what has to catch up to it, is my mind coming to terms with the new me. The better me. I'm better today, because I'm changing from artistic expression to communicating art. I'm putting into words what feelings are like. I'm delivering my thoughts in the best way possible, and I'm writing to others what mere speaking can't say.

I realized there can never be nothing to write about, because as long as you're still living, and life is still going on, there will be words- An endless stream of stories, conversations with people, wise words, the life and endless inspiration of real people lived. We live in exciting times, and it is not that I am not unable to move forward, I am moving forward.

I'm slowly tearing the bricks off one by one, and finally working my way through it, around it, upside down it.

I have a tumblr account now

2011-04-16T22:51:00.002+08:00

its at www.teejowee.tumblr.com

By this I don't mean I have an old one, I just newly started it. heh heh.

It currently has 2 posts.

So go get it while its fresh.

This also by no means means I will stop blogging here (What? by no means means), the tumblr is just a further extension of myself on the online world, but just with a different purpose. Tumblr for me, is going to be shorter, my posts more regular, and more about my everyday life in melbourne and stuff.

and just yeah... little bits and pieces.

This blog is still going to be used for the more longer, extensive writing type pieces.

So yes! Go check it out.

The first post is long though.

urm.. yeah classic Jowee.

see ya

Anxiety

2011-04-14T18:37:00.003+08:00

Jowee, logically you know that nothing has happened yet, why are you so anxious for?

"yeah but what if I wake up late.."

But what are the off chances of that happening?

"....."

Okay fine fine, you're right, that could happen, but its okay, God will wake you up. *Pinkie promises God*

"Then what if the editor doesn't like me, or I hate it there? and what about the future if I end up hating where I work, and the line I'm in...or the stress kills me, what future is there for me then?"

"Then there's still so many things I need to do right now and so many things on my plate! I still have not finished the assignment I said I would finish today, plus I'm not sure if I'm getting it right. I think I took up too much."

Well, you set too high a bar for yourself, how can you finish that piece of work in one day?! Logically, set aside time to read all the readings first, then figure out what you want to write, Then write.

" There's still so many things I want to do though..."

like?

" Like there's that article to write for the magazine, the pictures to edit, many blog posts to write as inspired by the many things that has been happening ... "

Why are you pressuring yourself so much to do all that Tee Jowee? No one asked you to...

"........................."

" I guess....... "

"I guess its cause if I didn't do all that, I'll feel like I'm good for nothing, and that I haven't done anything substantial in my life."

You know very well that's not true.

"Well it feels like it."

Yeah feels like it. Just cut out feelings. Its all in your head. You probably need food.

"FOOooood...gosh I forgot what that tasted like"

You just had a sandwich 2 hours ago.

"OH MAN I'm hungry now! I want to eat! What if I get fat?!"

Its the cold that's making you hungry... its okay, the cold burns your fat more.

"LIES!"

yep.

*Runs off to eat*

2011-04-02T23:14:00.002+08:00

I've just spent hours painstakingly reducing my 1,989 word essay to 1,356 words.

My limit is 1,000 words.

I swear, people are taking the twitter trend too seriously. Even lecturers.

If being concise is key, I don't want to be concise!

I am fighting every urge within me to be flowery and descriptive, and sentimental and use all those literary loaded words and language to argue my case for the rights of migrants and refugees everywhere! Because how do you impress upon the hearts of men the urgency and pain of what migrants face?

SIGH... I'm getting too emotionally involved in my work.

Same way I was almost in tears today because someone was impinging on the rights of a girl to further her education. (this is putting it so bluntly that I am ashamed, ashamed because I am unable to write about the intensity of how I feel about this, and about how I'm not doing her case justice. I am sorry. I can't right now.)

I actually came here today to write about something entirely different.

But now I'm too tired. So I'm going to bed.

Oh my gosh. my 'blog' is going to the pits.... arm.... that is.

p.s. if I'm going to be soppy about every human rights violation, how am I going to work in the field in the future?

p.p.s. actually I'm fine. I'm very sure its hormonal.

While I was studying...

2011-03-31T12:45:00.003+08:00

This is an image of a golden Vandal necklace circa 300 A.D. , and for some reason unbeknownst to me, I really like it and want to have it. (Fat chance, its behind some high tech plexiglass ridden with alarm and sensors in some museum in central Europe somewhere)

The Vandals were an East Germanic tribe that entered the late Roman Empire during the 5th century, possibly best known for their ransack of Rome in 455.

This draws to mind early childhood memories of Asterix and Obelix comics, of the Gauls and Gaelic symbols...and I don't know about you but I always thought dogmatix was the star. Okay, maybe not always, but you should know Dogmatix was my favourite.

On another note, how good it is that the Sartorialist worded what I have come to agree with with such impassion,

"I love shooting older people not because I think they are more stylish than any other age, but rather because they have different design references than someone 20 or even 50 years old."

- The Sartorialist, Wednesday March 23, 2011 post.

older people have such a different design reference, its so refreshing to watch.

Umm.... yeah so I bumped across that while studying the Goths and Vandals for my next Mobile Worlds assignment... about migration.

Such classic deviation.

I'll go now.

Have a nice day everybody.

Something good to remember from the resolutions you made this year

2011-03-20T17:37:00.002+08:00

" May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. and I hope somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself."

Neil Gaiman

Melbourne a little after ....

2011-03-20T14:24:00.006+08:00

(Taken from Eureka Skydeck during my first week here when I was doing all the 'touristey' things. JoweeFunFact: This is my laptop's wallpaper now)

I've been in Melbourne for a little over a month now, and I should really write about it for my own documentation's sake and for my future writing career's sake. (I've been trying to write this post since the first week I've been here... but yeah... my writing kick hasn't kicked in in awhile.)

Melbourne was everything I expected it to be, yet not really.

There are always the established truths, you know? The few things people seem to always say- like how good their transport systems are compared to KL, and the cheap beers (where else would you get $1 champagnes?! 4.50 glasses of wine, or 3.50 for beers?), or the erratic weather (and here, I blame everything on the weather, e.g. my appetite). But hearing things from all these people and experiencing them for yourselves are two totally different things. Nothing beats being present so that you can contest with the facts, and agree for yourself, or disprove of all that you had previously come to know.

**********************************************************

Yes, Melbourne is entirely cosmopolitan. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such an equally mixed city. Its like a shake n’ bake- add equal parts Chinese, Vietnamese, Malaysian, Singaporean, Indian, Italian, Greek, one part Black, one part Caucasian etc. etc., shake well and you have Melbourne.

You see a whole lot more color in the streets, and I'm not just talking about ethnicity, but about styles and clothes too. I love that people here express themselves this way, and even fat people dress up. [By the way, everything's bigger here (black woman goes: "mmm hmmm"), my Aussie housemates says I'm small, and sometimes, I can even fit into their XS-es. (oh my goodness hallelujah! Life is good)]

And I absolutely love that I can wear whatever I want and people don’t stare. Here's another thing, people don’t stare like how aunties, uncles, girls and boys do in KL. I have a thing about people and staring, I find it incredibly rude. Its good that they have manners here. They greet you and smile when you enter stores, and even if its superficial and trained I'd take that any day than what we're used to. Manners.

Thank you Melbourne, you developed country you.

There’s also a large goth/punk/street/metal following here. There’s more of a market here anyway, evident in the magazines in local convenience stores dedicated to tattoos, piercings and metal. You see many shaved/colored-hair, studded people, and you wouldn't even bat an eyelid. Speaking of market, there's also a bigger Indie scene, which means I get the clothes I want, at the price I want it (well not always, unless we're talking about today where I got this top for AUD$2. Oh my goodness freaking 2 DOLLARS! Are you kidding me? seriously I feel like they want to give away clothes here)

As a side note, I'm also getting totally immersed in their sports culture. Its a norm to engage in at least some form of physical activity. Last week I played soccer for the first time, and this coming Monday I'm going to play squash. I went jogging twice, which is a far better record than I ever had back home.

Towns are organized well. The train, market, bank, and schools are all within walking distance. Good city planning Melbourne, well on you. Also, I’m still not over the best ice-cream in the world (Lygon street!), nor the best chai latte at Seven Seeds, nor the best burgasmic burgers in the world (Andrews!).

And then there are the things you’re almost always expected to miss - like Malaysian food and your family and friends. Maybe its only been a month, but I don’t think I miss Malaysian food as much as I’m supposed to. Maybe because Im blessed enough to live with Chester, Wye Sern who cook chinese food. Yes, but the family and friends part, I can't help it, I'm going to miss the ones I love no matter where I am. But each time I do, I think about how blessed I am to be here, and its such a great, privileged thing to be able to experience this.

In all its 'greatness', there are also these things that people don’t say about a country though. Like how like any city in the world, they have their idiots, sleazy men, rude people, and degenerate population. They have the dodgy, not-so-nice parts of town, and people that live below the poverty lines. There are trains that are really dirty, and streets that need improvement. There's a whole load of saving that needs to be done, and not everything is picture perfect painted. There are racists, and then there are also people that are perfectly open and tolerant. Aware, accepting and even lovely and accommodating to me, which makes me feel totally welcome.

There is, and should always be a complete view in every picture, and its important not to be enamored by blue eyes, higher GDPs and a stronger currency. Just sayin'...

I’m still not entirely used to drinking water out of the tap without boiling it first, and this is the one and only time you’d hear me say I miss driving. Waiting for your transport is boring (obviously replacing the other word that starts with a 'b' cause I’m trying to be 'family-friendly' after realizing my family read my blog) and time consuming (this is making me early for things. Poo.) unless something interesting happens like Mormons approaching you and thinking you need saving, or 12 year old boys trying to hit on you.

Funny stories.

Contrary to popular belief, I don't hate cleaning up after myself. I actually love doing laundry, and can't wait for the clothes to pile up so I can do a full load. Call me crazy. And I love cooking. and I don't hate dish washing, its just a natural thing, you make the mess, you clean it. Its simple, and I like taking care of myself. Sorting my own bills, and just being my own woman. Its the most empowering feeling in the world to not rely on anyone else. So, I don't think working in the future will be that bad as I've previously lamented.

**********************************************************

The general sentiment back home tends to be an elitists’ view about white people and white countries. Maybe its about how much of the Western world is essentially already a developed world and we’re trying to model after that to finally strip the ‘developing’ country label. But growing up with parents like mine, I've always been exposed to alternate views- books, videos and a whole load of 'thinking outside the box' in everything. This kind of critical/deep thinking, has indirectly instilled in me a whole load of Asian pride, like "no, I've never had the urge to date an 'ang moh'." or "yeah, its great that they have all this...but.... (and there's always a but)". I've just never had that amazement that some people have with white people, and I have never been that intimidated. I recognize the good in all the Western world has, but there is so much good in being Malaysian, being Chinese that we're not owning up for, and its time we did.

Home, will always be home. There's no urge to migrate or get a PR because my heart has always been to work and toil in the land I came from. I'm taking in every experience here, and seeing the good in this place, so that I can take it back home and make things better cause I would then know how, and in being here I'd have the authority to say "This is what I've seen, and its good, and its so worth modeling after." and call me idealistic, but I believe it can be done.

P.s. Good news. I have a heightened tolerance towards the cold now. Previously, when my hands used to get cold, that's when I know I'm cold. Here, my hands are always cold. So my 'cold' has shifted to, when I'm literally shivering, then I'm cold.

Shiok mou?

Life motto: "Its just a feeeelingggg...."

Thank you Jinguling.

HARROH!

2011-03-05T23:10:00.003+08:00

I AM A PANDAH.

my name is E-ah!

Don't be a cheet-ah!

cause cheet-ah's can eat Me-ah!

to my best friend.

I love you!

I'm going to be skinny enough to fit into this shirt! and other things

2011-03-05T18:36:00.004+08:00

Preemptive reasonings.

That's why clutter is the style of my room instead of contemporary modern or bohemian, and thats why I cling on (heh heh Klingon) to so many of my old clothes that I obviously can't fit into anymore because I'll always think I'm going to lose weight, or similarly that seeing small clothes I can't fit into is going to motivate me to lose weight. Nope. Never ever really happened.

But knowing me I always put the risk theory into practice- better to keep it now than to discard the lot because the pain of regret is valued at a higher risk than the pain of stuffing my shelves so full of things that I need a power drill and a gardening tool to look for my old phone charger, the nice wrapping paper I saved from a past birthday or that printer's warranty card. Plus I'm also a sentimental sap, and finding connections, forgotten memories, representations and meanings in everything is my niche. So go figure, study arts all the way.

Other preemptive measures taken are the- I'm -going -to -get -my -housemates -to -finish -all -the -food -before -it -goes -bad -card.
Granted, Its not a card, per se, I just really like putting 'card' at the end of certain string of words like 'credit' and possibly 'debit', or maybe its just I like having more money in said 'debit' cards.

But anyway... I digress.

I WAS saying that it really is in the best interest of everyone (win-win for the win!) that I am neurotic, because they get free food, and a lot of it! And I get to get rid of food fanatically, same way I get rid of germs. Yes, you can tell I really don't like wasting food and that living with me is a breeze (They actually plot my accidental murder in their sleep). Because if I threw food away, its like throwing money away. Its not the money part I'm worried about, its the you- must- fulfill- your- purpose- in- life- part that I'm so iffy with. So food, if you are not eaten and you expire and are therefore unable to fulfill your purpose in life, then I'll feel like I've wasted opportunities. Yes, wasted opportunities for you to fill our bellies and be potentially awesome to the taste buds.

So I remember expiry dates, and even if that cos lettuce browns slightly at the edges, I switch on panic mode, fry them all and make sure everyone in the house consumes them!

Sigh, I really hope I do not have fat children in the future.

I wonder why my housemates still love me.

I assume those looks were love.

Either that or they're plotting their next attack.
Speaking of which, I love my housemates. They are my family now.
They are awesome. bar none. and I'm the luckiest most blessed girl alive.
(Obviously a sucking up to Chester for that egg I took from you, two pieces of bread, and the slick of margarine)

On another note, be patient, I'm writing a comprehensive, and what I hope to be well-rounded view on my experiences in melbourne so far.
To be published here in a bit.

If only I can get over the whole toasted bread issue. A non issue really, just that I have discovered the joys of pressed-toast.

Cheese toasties FTW!

p.s. no one is really blogging anymore... WHY?!

To You

2011-02-28T15:11:00.000+08:00

There’s this page in my leather-bound notebook- the one I only ever write in when I have something important to say, that lists down all the things that I like about you. At that point, I wrote without realizing what it meant, just knowing that at some subconscious level, my heart found it important to list down and make sense of all that I was feeling.

I think these were things that the world already saw, and knew before I did what it meant. It wasn't so hard really, I just complicate my life with over-analyzing everything. Its funny how I remained so stubborn and adamant to the 'just friends' label, because no way in hell were we 'just friends'. Madness. And I thought I was so obscure and unreadable; Nope. Plus, being an enigma is over-rated anyway, and I'm done being inscrutable because I just don't care about these things anymore.

Among the things listed in the book were:

· You make me smile. All day.

· When you say something, you mean it.

· So when you tell me I’m beautiful, I believe you, even when I pretend I don’t.

· You’re not cheesy, and I like that a lot.

· You know me better than (someone I can’t mention) because you say- “its that time of the day again isn’t it?” when it is.

· You know the time of day (i.e. when I go crazy, when I go for classes, when I read or watch t.v, or when I get emo...)

· When I ask you insignificant things at 1.30 a.m. like “should I was my hair?” you say things like “ I don’t know. But whenever I get a message at this hour, I’m pretty sure its you.”

· You give me music :) and you wear your black slim jeans with converse.

· Because you listen and let me win arguments.

· Because you encourage me to be all things great, and you're not threatened by it.

· Because you believe in me.

· You drive. A lot.

· You stuck around, even after I told you I didn’t want to be with you. And that’s really something, because it says you stuck around for me, not just to be with me.

...and more really cheesy, irksome things that people won't want to read.

There were so many times in the past where I would talk in analogy and metaphors, and make heavy my sentences about things I didn’t want people to know, but while talking with Jo yesterday, he reminded me about how it was always a writer’s responsibility to tell stories, and write what feelings are like, and the things that are the hardest to do.

So whenever I would bury behind flowery sentences in posts that don’t mean anything, it was because I was talking about you. All that sentimental, heart-puddle, make-me-melt moments, where the states you sent me in fool! This is time to make clear that every analogy I ever gave, every hidden, well-meaning sentence was for you, and because I was too confused to make certain what I knew. It was a misshapen situation really, it was all "help me out here heart", I couldn’t keep it in and couldn’t let me out, so I resorted to that.

And you know what?

The real kicker was finding someone that wanted to be with me even after knowing that at times I’m irrational, and weak, or that I am a hypocrite and judgmental, and maybe just plain mental.

You’ve always accepted that this was who I was, and always let me be me- The dreamer, overachiever, control freak, moody and just not very pretty. I think you’re retarded that you would want someone like me, or to stick around for so long, no offense.

It took me long enough, but I guess I finally realized what was in front of me the whole time. I have it real good, probably even go as far as to say that I’m the luckiest girl alive. Because every, single time I think about you or talk about you with my friends, I’m so, incredibly, unbelievable content and at peace with the world- and contentment is not something you find very often.

See people are often happy, and crazy over the moon, but those things don’t last and people come back down to earth again. So right here, right now, you know you have it good when you’re on earth, you’re on the ground, and there’s no where else you’d rather be.

Its the satisfaction in knowing that I have something real here, and its good, and its what I’ve been looking for all along. Someone who knows me completely, and loves me for it all. No need for pretending or great feats and acts of love and romance. The romance was built day by day, in conversations, random messages here and there, witty one liners, and smiley faces. And it’s always been this way, even when we were still friends. You know me, stubbornly, I never picked up on this. I would talk about music and how it gives me life, and you gave me music of the best kind. I think its reached a point where you made it on my wall, and that’s a great place to be.

You’re the first person I can honestly say I love without any hint of “really? Are you sure heart?” or wondering if I actually do. It was so easy, so natural to say, and I wasn't afraid.

Its just you.

Thanks for being my friend. And I’m glad you’re a boy so you can be my boyfriend.

love,

Jowee

2011-02-20T10:42:00.002+08:00

Lord,

Thank You for your music that helps me feel, and write.

Here I have nothing, but your promises.

So I hold on so tight, and I remember your love and I remember the hope we have in You.

In a situation without anything and everything I know and love, You are there, and you were there first, and you will be the last. Thank you for the freedom and grace that knows no end, and for the salvation we have in you.

In Jesus' name

Amen.

Facebook, sharing, and free will

2011-02-09T21:07:00.005+08:00

It always struck me as a little odd when people say "Hey I found your blog... hope you don't mind me reading..." or any variation of that, because you've obviously read it after finding it, and even if I say "Yes, I in fact, mind A LOT that you're reading it...", its not like you're going to stop reading just because I said no. In fact, maybe you're going to read it even more after I said no because hey, what is she hiding that she doesn't want people reading anyway?

That's why, after stalking people's blogs, I don't ask.

AH~ Free will.

Speaking of which, Facebook comes under heavy fire for bearing the brunt of our societal ills, like being accused of propagating suicide, the abuse of information sharing, the loss of privacy, and other questions like, what good does a social networking site offer, other than the ability to scrutinize/stalk/judge other people's profiles?

My parents are one of the heaviest critics of this. Something about the older generation being more wary and suspicious of widespread mediation, change, and just plain 'ol, "aiyohhhh.... why you want to tell the whole world what you're doing..."

It makes for amusing conversations though, when dad would pop a question out of nowhere, " So if I write on Uncle soandso's wall... means everybody can see ah?"

Well yes, this whole Facebook and privacy is an issue isn't it? But I find that pundits, analysts, commentators, and all people alike have talked about this so much that the topic is being exhausted (yeah and what am I doing?), just once and for all I'd like to make it a point that.... you control what you want the world to know. You are in control of what you share. There are precautions you can take, like blocking this clubbing album from the next, and not telling the world who you had sex with last night. Its all a choice. The freedom is there, so use it to make the right decisions in life.

So, that's why my parents aren't my friends on facebook.

That's why I limit my profile access from church people and non peers, and those I deem not as tolerant to all the nonsense my friends and I put up, and I don't feel bad about it because at any rate, prevention is better than cure. Its better I filter and block you guys from these things than have to do damage control in the future, and thankfully, my parents aren't so sensitive that they would ask "why you didn't accept meee...." and they don't use Facebook that often anyway.

uh oh. I think I'm losing my touch.

Krabi

2011-02-05T14:55:00.006+08:00

corn

streetfood vendor

elephant towels

Dried Sotong at a stall

Airport gummies

View from room 209

View from seat 16B

On the way to the airport

Krabi treats us well.

An album has been put up on Facebook.

The things we take for granted

2011-01-14T17:59:00.003+08:00

It's not a good thing to get too comfortable. Perhaps I've been taking for granted many things in life, and have not been doing anything that would lead me to anywhere great. I know I complain a lot that that I'm not getting published, not interning, not getting famous, or all these things I seem to want, but I really have no right to complain because I'm not doing anything about it; because I always think that my opportunity will come if I be patient, or that all I have to do is wait. Well for this part of my life I can't wait for things to come falling on my lap anymore.

Its like I'm sobering up and noticing that the rest of the world is moving on because they're turning at the wheel themselves. This time, there's no room for self pity, or whining or moaning about all the things that aren't going right in my life, Lord knows I've got the driving force, but right now I've just got to purposefully, willfully hit the gas pedal and fly with it. Plus, I've got a plan and I'm starting today.

A reminder of all the things we have to do before we leave.

Megaforce

2011-01-03T00:10:00.004+08:00

These are videos all created by Megaforce- The dream team. Its like Wongfu, only not mainstream. Or youtube version of mainstream anyway.

I'm really glad I'm living in this day and age where creativity is at its finest.

At the peak, I am able to watch and experience the product of these innovative minds. So whenever I get bored and frustrated with all the things that look, sound, act, speak the same, seeing this, gives me hope.

Most exciting. ;)

Resolute - ions

2011-01-02T22:59:00.005+08:00

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people just exist, that is all."

-Oscar Wilde-

This year, I choose to live.

The saddest part I've found is that most people spend their lives from the inside looking out; and living life through other people's experiences. If I lived through another lens my whole life, when will I ever learn to see with my own eyes?

So, this year I'm going to live on the outside, hope more, pray more, love more, and never stop dreaming, even when its hard.

I'm going to make art, write, sing, dance, fool around with color, and consequently be so purposed, that these focused unyielding eyeballs shall bear into your soul. I'm going to work hard, play harder. Travel, take lots of pictures, and stay grounded through it all.

In effect, I will also...

Read. SO much, till my eyes drop off.
Get fit. (Make plans) Consequently, NOT gain overseas weight.
Wear whatever the hell I want, whenever I want and not care what anyone says about it. (Visual/artistic experimentation is key)
Score all HDs.
Learn German
Master at least 5 piano pieces of relative skill. Rags!
Be able to play the guitar with 'wrist', and relative competence.
Write the things that are true for me.
Be completely immersed in the political, entertainment, art/music/mass media, world issues scene, internationally and locally. This means, paying attention everyday to everything that's going on. Sports included.

Say 'yes' more. Take in every experience and do the things that I'm afraid of.
Remember the important things, ignore the rest.
Choose inspiration, not discouragement.
Inspire others.
Encourage.
be patient with people.
love.
Give second chances.
Forgive.
Say sorry.

That's it.

Happy 2011 everybody, this is going to be the best year of our lives.

"Hallelujah, I'm caving in.

Hallelujah, I'm in love again."

"Always"

-Switchfoot-

The Last Day of 2010

2010-12-31T16:36:00.003+08:00

Hi.

I wanted to do a comprehensive summary of my year today, I had also wanted to do a post on what I've been doing since the holidays started, but for some reason, I just couldn't find the time or the emotional energy needed for it. I guess that pretty much sums up life this year. The things that used to be easy, the things I used to do, or those that took precedence over others have shifted tremendously, and because of that i've experienced a real change in everything.

If there were one word to sum it all up, that would be it.

.Change.

I'm changing a lot, and I even surprise myself. That's not an easy thing to do.

I've grown a little less insecure, a little more confident, cared less about my 'abilities' and what I project to the world, and I've grown to love myself more.

In March, I attended my church's vision casting seminar, and it was one of those moments where you look back in your life and you remember that that was the pivotal turning point where everything changed, and nothing will ever be the same.

Today, my family and I are closer than we have ever been. I thank God for every minute of it, and I also hope that this year, I've also grown a little bit smarter. heh heh.

Despite being a hundred miles away, my friends and I are still strong. God has blessed me with the best people in my life, those that support me and love me, and reach out to me no matter what, or how difficult it is to still keep doing so. I love you all, and I miss you so much, but I know that no matter what the circumstance, our relationship is on solid rock.

And those that are here right now, you're my life. And I know that tomorrow, in 2011, that will still be 'it'.

*****

NEXT year, if I had any resolutions it would be the same as it has always been. I want to live life by the day, take in every experience, and do the things that freak me out the most. I will study hard, get straight HDs, then play harder after. I'm going to travel a lot, fly everywhere but I'm still going to stay grounded. I want to meet lots of new people, get close, keep my passions, revive my fire and take picture postcard memories.

I am going to be able to 'use my wrist' when I play the guitar, master a couple of rags on the piano, get lean lean lean and super fit, and .... maybe just.... be a totally awesome human being. no holds bar.

2011 is going to be another one of the best years of my life, I just know it. I'm proclaiming it. Even though the future scares me to death, I'll probably enjoy every minute of it.

In closing this year,

I found out that I'm stronger than I thought I was, or what other people had thought I was. Got into a couple of dramatic times, got out of it. Learned SO much about life, and I'm just so completely grateful for everything.

Thank you all of you for being a part of my year.

Be apart of my next ;)

Its going to rock.

Losing

2010-12-14T07:40:00.001+08:00

image credits: Raffithngphotography

I like waiting for the morning, I realized it gives me hope.

I see the colors change, and see the pale orange peek through the skies, and I just know there's something going for me today, and that this time It's going to be different, even if it doesn't.

I remembered someone something famous said once, that life's what you make it, and if we took charge of our day, we make our own happiness. I forgot all about that for awhile, but today I'm taking the shoddy early hours of today and I'm wrestling it to the ground until I win.

Carpe Diem.

I forgot about that.

How could I have left my war cry? The one that MADE my year in 2008?

Right now, its going to remake the remainder of this year too, and my next, because good things are too good to pass up.

I'm going to set things right again.

Yes, I've decided that I really like waiting to see the colors change.

The following written from another time:

Remember that time you posted that song that I loved?

I never told you, but it had made my morning, and it was the kind of thing I carried with me throughout the rest of the day. Absentmindedly, I realized I carried a little of you along with me too.

I love how music does that. I felt connected to you in a way that no one else could break even if they tried.

But these days, many things are like that. Little things that make missing you harder- our many back and forth conversations, our little inside jokes, and all those witty responses we got out of each other. They were good things.

Its 2.24 in the a.m. here today. I wonder what you're doing.

I am reminded that, in other parts of the world, while we sleep under a shade of velvet, the other half has seen the earliest signs of the day bracing through the cracks. That had always been bizarre to me- the whole crossing time-zones, gaining an hour, losing a few phenomenon. I'm still in my own body, I'm still the same person, but I've either gotten a little older or travelled back a little.

But I digress.

A few years ago, I used to write in times just like this. I realized I needed this certain time in the day- the stillness, the peace of the night, it just helps my mind run better and brings back all the memories that don't seem to go away. I used to write in pain, and not care who would read it, or who would wonder why I was being so dramatic, because it was all true for me. I can't hold in things that turned so violently in my chest. It hurts.

Tonight is no different, and that dull pang in my chest wont go away.

So I'm still looking for that song. It was awhile ago, but that very specific memory took by surprise, and I just couldn't forget after that. Have you ever had that? A sudden bleep of a memory that you can't seem to shake loose after, even if you tried?

I think it was something about today that just brought that spark of a song in my head, and I'm trying to find it again. I'm getting desperate, because I'm going further and further back to the day you posted it, but I can't find it anymore. It was the one where I was sure was meant for me. The one you knew I would love. The one with images of the golden skies, tinted hues, the easy chords, and the breeze that I'm sure was there.

The lyrics were simple too, but I forgot what they were. I just remembered what it meant to me.

...and I guess I just wanted to feel that again. To feel a little hope in my day, to carry a little of you with me in that song. Gosh its so far back. I have to click 'view older posts' so many times.

Its a little too painful to write this one, but I don't care anymore. And maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was never for me in the first place. But I'm still looking for that song, and I won't stop till I find it again.

image credits: justinLeephotography

... all of a sudden, I'm aware of what was so apparent to many...

Why am I getting so much SPAM?

2010-12-14T06:53:00.002+08:00

...On my blog....

The 80% - 20% theory

2010-12-04T13:18:00.003+08:00

The other day Chris, Hum and I were talking about the 80/20 rule.

You may or may not have heard of it, but its a theory thats used to explain the relations between partners, relationships and love.

The rule states that in a relationship, we may never fully be a 100% satisfied with our partners. Consequently, we may never fully get a 100% out of what we want in the relationship.

We could find that the person we're with is an 80%, and if you break up, we might end up choosing the next one that has the 20% of what was lacking in the first.

But this person is only 20% of what you want, so I suppose my question is, what is that 20%? If that person is only the 20%, why do you stay?

Is it driven by the fear of being alone?

And even if its only 20%, how come it carries so much weight-age? So much that even with a whole part that's missing, you agree to be with the other.

And still on another thought....

Its different really, the scales we use. Your 80% could mean my 20% because we ALL use different units of measurements.

Its just funny.... just a thought.

following the coffee trail...

When you're falling

2010-11-16T03:32:00.002+08:00

image credits: raffithngphotography

When falling, there's this split second sensation where we're caught in a strange stall of momentum. Its the most smallest, minutest of sensations, almost impossible to place or catch if we've never thought about it. That slight, flicker of 'whatever-it-was' is a little bit of a stretch of our capacities to accept unexplained phenomenon, but I swear its there.

I'm no physicist or biologist or researcher, but those few nanoseconds we spend suspended in air, those few seconds before we hit the ground almost feels a little like flight. Its a funny feeling. We could pretend I'm imagining things, but the way I see it, this suspension in the air, this mid-flight could not be any form of happenstance.

It was placed there for a reason. A reason that remind us that every time we fall, we're capable of flight; and maybe simultaneously in each and everyone of us, we're capable of performing gravity-defying feats-unnatural to this earth.

Its just that we weren't paying enough attention because we were so afraid, or caught off guard, or blind-sighted by the fall.

Falling isn't that bad.

I think the scariest part about falling, is the anticipation, and not knowing what it feels like when we hit the ground. What's the level of pain? a 3 a 4 or 9 upon 10? Will I be able to get back up? Will someone, anyone help me? We all tend to fear what we do not know.

I like to think that falling is much like those carnival/themepark rides like the Solero Shot. The scariest part is when we're at the highest point right before the big drop. Heart thumping, stomach lurching, we're all waiting, some crying wanting to get off, some screaming already, and we're all caught counting ten, nine, eight, seven, all the way to one. At that pivotal point is the build-up of what everyone in your life has told you it was like, and you're just waiting to experience it for yourself, so naturally you're gonna be scared shitless.

Then the fall. The big drop that makes you feel like you left your insides a few feet up and sends the world around you to a blur of color, emotions and nothingness yet everything at the same time. Its amazing what thats like and its quite unlike anything on this earth. The rush of adrenaline, the shouts and squeals of delight after you get down from the ride.... and its at that point where you realize that you want to go on again because hey, it wasn't that bad after all.

And maybe the fears aren't that bad too, because there's always, always the safety harness that keeps us in place. The one that you keep strapped close to your heart that holds you the whole time during the fall. They're secure, they're kept tight, and they steady your motions to a quiet halt when you feel like you can't take it anymore and you're about to fly off your seat.

The thing about fears are .... they challenge us to face them every single time.

So, whose your safety harness ?

A Letter from present me to future me

2010-11-05T12:16:00.002+08:00

inspired by someone who sent me something like this

A letter from present me to future me,

Jowee, at the moment, you're at a good place in your life, a very good place. Remember, to count all your blessings, and thank God, and thank people, and tell them what you really feel and mean. Its important.

Each and everyday you're trying to live your life as if it were the first day it began- With bright eyes and a fresh start every morning. At any moment, you're just trying to be a little better than what you are before. You want to cherish those around you, and give a little more of yourself.

I know, at the present moment, the question is that you're caught in between feeling and not letting yourself feel, but I hope that in the future, you would have decided what you wanted to do with this question, and find your answers. Your friends love you, you and your family are close and growing stronger, but none of this would mean anything if God didn't love you. And the amazing thing is that He does. Who am I that I should receive such favor from man? I am not anyone, I did nothing by myself, which only goes to show you how much more God has taken charge over my life and made this life so worth living for. I hope this would never change (and it won't).

If its one thing I would say, Jowee, stop trying so hard to be anyone or anything you think is cool at that moment, you are enough. You kinda learned a little too late in life what it really meant to be yourself. I'm glad that you finally did though. and you love yourself now. Don't change that.

Jowee, in the future, I hope that you would have found love, and you wouldn't have sold out, or chickened out of all the things you said you would do. I hope that you would always be learning, and always searching. It would be such a tragedy that you would settle for anything or anyone, or second best. If you became this person, Sigh, I would have no words to say to you except "CHANGE!" I also want you to not think that you know enough to live through life. No, you will never know enough and you will never stop learning. This will not be you. It is not me.

Oh and I also hope, that in the very least you would be employed.

I hope that you would have travelled a bit too, a modest amount.

Oh and future me, remember to polish up my dialects, learn many languages, speak to many people, and love unconditionally.

Give generously. Open your heart.

Remember the promises you've made, and keep them.

and in any case, if you find yourself falling . . . remember not to do this alone, there are always those you keep around to catch you.

love,

me.

To be read in ten years.

What to do with daylight

2010-11-01T16:30:00.005+08:00

Secretly,

If you came to my house today, I am almost certain you wouldn't want to leave. I'm just saying.

We would probably just hang around my room all afternoon till the daylight's gone, and talk about everything and nothing. Modern Family Season two is amazing. I'm afraid of elevator doors. You secretly like Hachiko and bawled your eyes out when you watched it. My intimacy issues, how you detest your dad. . . the future us, the current now, who we were before. . .

Whoever you are, or were, it all counted and matters to me. So I listen, and I listen well, and I try to imagine who you were before I met you. Some parts are hard to fill in, so I ask the questions that would help me. The wind is strong today too, and it blows the sheets down as we tumble on the bed laughing about Miranda Hart episodes.

Look towards the foot of the bed, and you'll catch the drapes inhale and exhale exactly like it were alive. I kindly point that out. I'll probably blast my tube amps to another level and go into the Colbie Caillat girly, sunshine moods, and we'll dance and prance around the room in a drunken stupor. I'll show you my childhood/ baby pictures, and I think, I can help you feel, forget. . . and eventually, move on with your life. To help, I tell you a quote that a friend wrote:

" The key to life is this: just breathe."

SO, if you'd let me... I'm just urging you, to be good to yourself. Don't let losing someone you love stop you from living out the rest of your life like you were meant to. Because I see something great in you, many great things, and its a shame that you would spend it at the bottom of wine bottles and beer cans. I miss who you were, but even if you were turning into someone different I want to know that new you. So please, let me.

And the daylight? We'll catch it in a jar, sealing the day in, to be saved for the gloomier days. So when we need it most, we'll remember we always have it.

Love always,

you know.

Sigh No More

2010-10-29T00:52:00.004+08:00

image credits: raffithng

Today will be all about Mumford and Sons because they make me feel like I'm not alone in this.

"... as brothers we will stand and we will hold your hand. Hold your hand..."

They tell me many things, and its so great to hear them.

If its one thing I've learned in life, its that we should always say the things that we struggle most to say. Even when its been said so many times before, even if the other person doesn't want to hear it in the first place, and even if you feel like it won't make a difference. Because chances are it does make a difference, and it does matter. Because all the littlest things matter. Like clarifying yourself, or making sure your voice is heard, even if its just a vote, a 'yes' or 'no'. Making a stand, speaking your truths, they all count for something.

Probably the most powerful words in the world are the simplest ones- Its saying things like "I'm sorry" or "Everything will be okay"..."I love you", "I miss you" and "I'm here for you". Being told that you matter, would never grow old, for anyone. We need to tell people these things, no matter how much we don't believe things will really be okay, or how much they protest, or how much they don't believe you, or how much you feel your words are so redundant. And lastly, if you have any significance at all to the other person, hearing it coming from you makes all the difference.

People need to hear it, refute it, wrestle with it, challenge it... then when they let words seep into their thoughts, the words slowly becomes truths. Sometimes the truths take on new and different forms, differences that we don't expect, but that's okay too. If what we say has helped changed things, either redefined what it means for the other, or strengthened or weakened an argument... Truths changes our whole being. And pretty soon, things do become okay.

True story.

As a side note:

Their band biography has got to be one of the best ones I've read so far.

"... the members of Mumford and Sons have shared a common purpose: to make music that matters without taking themselves too seriously. Four young men from West London in their early twenties, they have fire in their bellies, romance in their hearts, and rapture in their masterful melancholy voices."

There are so many things I can say about this band. Most of them about how their music makes me feel, most of them about how I could listen to them all day long on repeat and not grow tired. Then the other great half about their words that just seem to cut through the walls I've surrounded myself with. Its a magical thing, its like I've found a soulmate, the person I should marry because he's just right for me. I won't promise that you would feel the same way, and you weren't meant to because this union was meant to be between two people.

There's this part of "Roll Away Your Stone" that went "I will hold on hope..." I will hold on hope. I will hold on hope.

Reminds me of another one of my favourite verses.

1st Corinthians 15:58

" And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulations produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

There's more lines that I just can't help but think about over and over and over again...

I will tell the night, and whisper 'lose your sight',

....but I can't move the mountains for you....

...This newly impassioned soul. . .

How fickle my heart, how woozy my eyes,

I struggle to find any truth in your lies,

and now my heart stumbles on things i don't know,

my weakness I feel I must finally show ....

Awake my soul.

p.s./ their music has been on loop for days now.

The Soundtrack to my movie

2010-10-21T21:03:00.003+08:00

Pioneers (M83 Remix), by Bloc Party is so going to be in the soundtrack of my movie.

I don't know what that movie is yet, but I know this song's gonna be in it. To be inserted in the part where the guy discovers what he's been missing all along. Maybe he's flipping through the pages of something, and I want the sunlight seeping through the cracks. . .

he looks up and he forages through his notes . . .

Then gets up, his chair falls to a great crash as he does . . . and he runs . . .

so he keeps on running, the scenery around him a blur . . .

I want him to stop at some point eventually, at a moot point where he meets someone. . . stares into another's eyes . . .a point of human contact.

and then, the rest, I'll take it from there.

Paramore puns are fun

2010-10-18T17:32:00.004+08:00

Image by: Raffithng photography

I'm going to Paramore's concert tomorrow. Like a true rockstar, I have exams the next day for INT2030. Well I bought the tickets without thinking when my exams would be, so my fault. I'm not complaining. Rockstars tend to pull it off. (oh my gosh I'm so not going to pull it off) In the meantime, I was talking to Jijibinx when he said:

Him: Hey! Be careful tomorrow!

Me: ??

Him: Make sure you don't get hit by Brick By Boring Brick !

Him: Cause you know... you are The Only Exception!

Him: THEN make sure you cause a Riot ... cause That's What You Get ....

Me: ........................

Me: ah ha hahahahahahahah !!!!

Then from the same person,

Him: Hey I feel like coming in hippity hoppity clothes one day...

Me: Of course you know that by calling it hippity hoppity it won't be hip hop anymore right?

Him: ...and I'll be like all 'sup gurlfrennn'

Him: damn I failed!

Him: One more time ghetto!

Him: I'mma ghetto superstar!

Sigh. Old Friends. <3

Just when I thought all hope was lost

2010-10-18T17:18:00.001+08:00

Image by: RaffiThng Photography

My week just did a complete 180 turnaround.

For some reason, the past two weeks have been one ridden with downcast, erratic moods and just plain slugging all over the place. Then recently, I read something a friend posted on his blog about this dream he had. The dream part is irrelevant, but the two very real people in the dream was. These two people had been perfect for each other. To the world that had seen their rise, fall, love, and everything else, they were everything; but somehow, they had broken up.

It came as a shock to those that knew about it, but they chose not to tell the rest of the world because they knew how much it would hurt the people closest to them. So they went about pretending to be okay.

As dysfunctional as I thought it was, I honor the two that they should stifle their hurts, and pains, and all that they've been harboring, for the sake of other people. It's a given that the truth will get out, as it already has to the few that know, but the little that I do know, I'm rethinking my belief that the world is a selfish place, motivated by greed and self-interests. When I hear things like this, something framed in such a simple paragraph of words, smiles creeps all over my insides and fills me with a renewed sense of hope in people.

It struck a chord in me, because I imagine myself in their shoes and can't bear to do something like that. When I feel pain, I usually show it. I need comfort and solace in words and to rest on the shoulders of my best friends, sometimes I shout it from the rooftops just so I can have my peace.

In a related note, it was my uncle's 72nd birthday recently. Amidst the festivities, I accidentally captured a stolen moment between my uncle and aunt. Its the kind that makes you want to look away just because it feels like such an intrusion to the rhyme floating in the skies. I want to say its love, I want to say its credited to spending almost 50 years together, but it feels so inadequate to describe it if I tried.

I recalled the stories of their travels, and how they make frequent visits to Leon a few times a year. Their daughter had married a frenchman, and their three beautiful grandchildren tugs at their hearts. Year by year, they're growing up so fast.

From what I hear and see in the pictures, there's a house in the valleys of the french countryside. Warm sunshine in the summer and spring, and fruit trees that grow in abundance in their backyard.

The children pick plums and peaches that litters the grass beneath, while mom and dad shakes the branches that sends a fresh shower of fruit plummeting over their heads, much to the squeals of delight and peals of laughter from the children.

I can't pretend to know everything that went on in their lives, but from what I see, it was a good one, and not many people can sit back on their front porches, thinking about their days, numbering them, then lie in the quiet comfort of contentment.

It was a lifetime spent raising their two children, holding them in their arms, comforting their pains, watching them succeed, crying over them, laughing with them. Building businesses together, sometimes failing, other times gaining. Its a life of grandchildren, dogs, cats, fishes in the aquarium, and tending at their backyard. Its planning for the future, adoring the present, remembering the past. Watching and building memories that lasts forever and creating a life that's really worth something. That one look I saw, made the most sense as any. It spoke of a life lived complete because they built it together.

Later when we left to our cars, I caught a glimpse of my parents walking hand in hand, like the first day they were in love. I want all this for their lives too, that they will be like this when they're 90 and wrinkled, and they will have it, that I'm sure of; and I want to be part of this, and I will be. I'm sure of this as well.

Then I want this for me, and I'll claim it, I'll have it. I'm sure of it.

"Yes, Tee Jowee. I love you and would break rules for you ..."

This quote, more smiles for my day,

from a friend who wishes to be unnamed.

The Things I want to Be

2010-10-11T21:33:00.005+08:00

...Like an orange.

No, I kid I kid.

Remember when we were younger and we had so many different things we wanted to be when we grew up? Firemen, Policemen, Ultraman e.t.c. Well, its the future now, we're a little bit more grown-up since then, but I don't think I've ever stopped dreaming with that same 5-year old heart. Adulthood looms nearer, the pool of occupations we can actually take on, or dare to take on have become way more restricted, because well only a few things make us a comfortable living. SO things like ambition and future prospects have become a little more refined, a little more 'realistic' (Gosh I hate that word), a little more boring... which is really, no fun.

So, here's the list of things I still secretly want to do, the people I still want to be, and the things I don't normally answer when people ask me what I want to be:

A ninja. -Because! its stealth mode! Sleek swords, and lightning fast nunchucks. (Nunchaku, the actual Japanese pronunciation sounds way better than the western bastardization). Yeah the underlying thought was that, I could really benefit from being all sleuth-like, and in stealth mode, prancing effortlessly on rooftops. Stealth and grace. Hah hah. Qualities I could definitely benefit from.

A Jedi. - this requires no explanation.

A secret agent, international super spy.

Or one of the X-men. I kinda want to be a cross between Jean-Grey and Mystique. I am GreyXtique. The extra X, is for added power, anointing from Professor X.

A dog groomer/breeder/ or anything to do with taking care of dogs.

An artist (music)

An artist (draw-draw,paint-paint kind) - I shall roam the streets of Pariii, and have Kings of Convenience feature me in one of their next music video.

A cheerleader- don't judge me. Flips, somersaults and splits are so awesome. Plus soaring in the air like that? Its the closest we come to flying.

A writer. Paul Austere and the New York Trilogy FTW. Live in New York shall we?

A Rockstar. Guitar shredding.

Globetrotter.

Entrepreneur.

Fashion Designer.

Photographer.

Economist. I have great respect for economists, I feel like they're one of the many under-rated arts that help make sense of our world.

Scientist. Another field that I would have possibly gone into if I had been educated differently.

Criminal Psychologist, specializing in micro-expressions. -Ala working in the Lightman group under Cal Lightman in Lie To Me.

Arsene Wenger's most beloved Goddaughter. Because he adores me so dearly, he forces me to tag along in his everyday life, and I'll get to hang out with the team. He eventually hires me as some 'somethingsomethinganalystimportantperson' and I work with Arsenal in making them the best they can be!

An Activist

Those people on National Geographic that Film Lions and Tigers and animals and ants and stuff.

A surfer.

WongFu Productions' fourth member.

Music/Film producer.

I'm sure there's more.

But I slept at 5.am. yesterday. I had a 9 a.m. class.

excuses. heh.

The Queen is Dead

2010-10-11T21:07:00.005+08:00

I like how the world is in binaries. It makes things simpler to understand. I know postmodernists tend to argue that its time we stopped seeing the world in just black and white. But its polarities like good and evil, ugly and beautiful that makes for a clearer picture. I guess you could say I'm done being complicated, though that's not actually ever going to happen in my life even if I wanted it to.

Complexities...

Sometimes I muddy the waters, and forget that I'm still swimming in it, so I bring it upon myself don't I?

I'm tired. I need balance in life. Often times I find myself at such extremes, I'm a walking magnet with its two poles, either directly repelling or attracting those around me. One minute I'm a social butterfly, the next a toad hiding under the rock of social oblivion. Life is sticky, life is sweet, life's a mess really. I just need something different to shake it all up, and turn it all around.

Currently, I'm at a stalemate in all points in my life right now. In my education, my talents/abilities, my relationships and social life. They all reached a point of stagnation, and it just simply stopped growing and becoming better. I worry when things stay the same for too long, I need mental/emotional stimulation here.

Book list

2010-10-05T20:16:00.000+08:00

I have a mountain of books waiting for me.

They call out my name . . . and I'm just too often stuck with my COMM and INT readers to respond. I'm sorry friends, please wait for me. Wait for the holidays where I can devour you one by one . . .

Book List:

Daddy Long-Legs- Jean Webster

The Hunger Games, Mocking Jay, Catching Fire (of The Hunger Games series) - Suzanne Collins

Half the Sky: How to Change the World - D. Kristof & Sheryl Wudunn

Have A Little Faith - Mitch Albom

Love in a Time of Cholera- Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Breakfast at Tiffany's- Truman Capote

A Clockwork Orange- Anthony Burgess

War and Peace- Leo Tolstoy

The Ultimate Hitchiker's Guide - Douglas Adams

I know, War and Peace, so bloody pretentious. But I figure I should read some great classics before I die, just because art works like that. I also want to read Catch-22.

Enough of postmodernist texts, I need some closure for a change.

"I could not imagine my life without these friends surrounding me- the very thought of letting go of just one was enough to send me hurling at my shelves, attempting to wrap my arms around every book I owned in protection."

-Robin Devine-

Becoming Minimalist: Breaking the sentimental attachment to books

In appreciation

2010-10-02T01:57:00.000+08:00

Image credits: Raffithngphotography

Renegade and Yorkshire Pudding.

New favorite words.

The moon follows me tonight.

I'm just glad to see you again.

In my darkest fears, the rights become the wrongs.

I will always love Nick Drake.

I wanted to post this in a friend's comment section, but the connection kept dropping when I hit 'post'. So I'm putting it here. I hope you know who you are, and I hope you see it.

"But I like your words, Its so brutally honest. The vulnerability is beautiful, and it makes things that much more tangible. I get to see a real glimpse of you and in doing that I find I relate very much. But maybe we all do when we open our hearts to each other... But then how often do we ever want to do that? Its easier said than done.

Its true, and just like you I, too like to keep people at arms length, where they're supposed to be. I don't think anyone likes being vulnerable, and yet sometimes we can't help it when we're in certain situations. But some people, you want them to stick right next to you, conjoined at the hip . . . and . . .I guess that's when we know someones really important to us. This post made me think and the things people post these days seldom make me think. So this is a good thing.

Keep writing EMG."

hodgepodge

2010-10-01T12:04:00.003+08:00

Listening to

Rubik's Cube- Athlete

You know you're at an important point in your life when...

everything starts changing and nothing makes sense.

At least that's how I choose to see it.

Its finally falling together, or apart, or not at all, and I just can't tell what it is. I should start hanging around new people.

***

There used to be a time in my life where I really liked 'emo-boys'. Well it wasn't a choice that I ONLY liked and typified the guys that I liked, its just that at the time I somehow had a tendency to lean towards those pensive, brooding types. Their quietness made me think that there was something deeper underneath all the broodyMcbroodiness; And an added bonus was that most emo-boys I knew played instruments, and instruments were really sexy to me. They still are. Its the determination to stick to their craft, the creativity, talent and the whole artistic expression bit that I valued.

But lately, I've broadened my horizons. I'm starting to value athletes greatly. Blame football. Blame Fabie. (hohmuhgoshIloveFabregasandshallmarryhimonedayandtogetherwe'dhavegorgeousfootballbabies) Because athletic ability is also a talent, a craft, a skill, and a great display of great determination. They're just different names for the same thing, and I'm appreciating them all. Remember that post I did a few posts ago? (yeah I don't either), where I said that I'm changing, and just starting to realize the things thats always been there? So this is one of those things. Whose to say there's nothing deeper underneath the jock-like persona? Whose to say there's nothing underneath engineers, or nerds, or any other subgroup you can find? Whose to say anything about like and love and everything in between? (Well, okay we actually say lots of things)

I'm at the point where I don't care for types or labels anymore. Its all fair-play, and nothing is discounted.

Hey I don't discriminate. Give me yummy men and I'd take whatever I can get.

Heh, wait a few years and I'd probably tell you I'm into engineers. Then Carmen's I-told-you-so-eye-roll at me will be seen from space.

"oh dear."

***

I knew there was a reason why I delayed opening the Creative Review (A Magazine on Design and Advertising). It had been collecting dust at the corner of my room for months now. I originally bought it because one, it was dirt cheap and there was some book sale. How typical of me. Sniffing around in book fairs. and two, I was in desperate, dire need to be inspired, and I decided it was time to step outside of my comfort zone.

Today I tore open its plastic wrapper, after deciding I could use a treat after the full 16 hours of rushed work and reaching whole new levels of panic, I sat back and got 'KAPOW-ed' in the face with brilliant imagery. So what do I do? I take a pair of scissors and start snipping everything out. Super OCD. Erratic behavior is my niche~

Running Running... as fast as we can

2010-09-28T17:47:00.001+08:00

Its official, I'm stuck in a rut. I feel like I've held my breath for too long, and its the first time in a long time where I realized what I was doing. Sometimes we're so deeply entrenched in something, its impossible to take a step outside to see it. Its like what Einstein said about "...what does a fish know of the waters in which he swims all his life?"

So its like I took in my first great, gaping gulps of fresh air today.

I've just been really anti-social lately, and I wonder how long have I been this way? I wasn't always like that. These days I often opt to stray away from crowds and retreat within myself. Its just really trivial to me to make small talk and go about being all "Oh I love your bag/dress/shoes etc." or "Oh my gosh we have the same keychain/random colored thing etc." I'm just amazed how people can really talk for so long and say absolutely nothing at all, and its this shallow rambling that just causes me to yearn to do something more worthwhile with my time. Like read.

That sounds really bad doesn't it? I suppose I just forgot and didn't see the importance of it all anymore. Though I generally dislike meaningless conversation, it IS the beginnings of something important. We sort of need to make small talk in order to build the basic foundations in relationships and relating to people, and this is all a move to possibly grow into something greater, better, something that may or may not be there at all.

In general, I think people all have the ability to be interesting, its just our choice on whether or not we want to find it or open our eyes to see it.

Sigh why can't we all be best friends already? So that I can just be whoever I want to be at the moment, and you would just plainly understand. And how about a change for a change? Like instead of focusing about myself and being all inward-looking, let's just think about other people, and just love them for who they are....

Friends, easier said than done.

For the longest time I've dug my hole and wallowed in it, its time to get out. Quick someone pull me out!

The Library is closing in 15 minutes. So I'm heading home.

They say I look like Karen O

2010-09-21T21:58:00.003+08:00

Which scares me a little because she churns out pictures like this:

But then I remember that hey! she is Karen O and she is so kick-ass! its a compliment by any count!

so I really don't mind.

Besides, what they're relaying is the whole indie-rock chic vibe, which I get why they would say that, because I write/draw on my wrists too much, mismatch everything and wear too many bangles for comfort. Which I like to do, immensely.

BUT Its a true honor really to be compared to her greatness!

I mean all that individuality, spunk and pizzzazz with the extra 'Z's, wow, they really do think that highly of me?

But then I think they're just talking about the dark hair, red lips and fair skin.

Which really anyone can pull off.

But her whole Idon'tgiveadamnI'mgonnarockyourworld-ness . . . now that, is the real deal!

By the way, I loved these two pictures the best.

This inspires me to write more music and be more kick-ass.

But... after assignments folks ;)

... and I'd rather be where you are ...

2010-09-20T17:22:00.002+08:00

image credits: Raffithng photography

It should say something shouldn't it? To be at one place and wishing entirely you were at another... To be surrounded by that whole lavish, air-conditioned, sordid diamond affair, complete with 'rah-rah' lighting, and a high-ceilinged complex, when you just really want to be sipping on Teh-Ais at a mamak somewhere, with the hum of the game on the television screens or kicking back beers and chips at a friend's place. The high-domed ceiling was plastered with another one of those frescoes pretending to be Da Vincci. It reminds me of something Dan Brown-ish, and its no wonder since I had been reading his latest. I get it though, the quickest ways to up the ante of anything would be to add some high-brow art, like you know it.

"I wonder how much those chandeliers cost?" I turned to my equally glamorous counterpart with perfectly coiffed hair, bobby-pinned to an old-skool hollywood perfection. " A lot I suppose" she fluttered her false eyelashes at me. Oh gawd we're talking about these kinda things. I thought to myself. At any moment, the indicator should be when I talk about old aunty topics like the price of ceiling ornaments, and the radar's beeping like crazy now. I don't know why I continue going to these sorta things. I feel like a fish out of water every time.

I suppose in my complexities one could say that I really am a girl of simple pleasures. You know, in the world, I really just need my best friends, talking about everything and nothing at all, good conversations and just daydreaming about what we'd do when we have the time. We rarely ever realize that now, but at that moment, it was always 'the time'. The busy streets of Calcutta is calling me, I'd either be taking snapshots or doing something more worthwhile other than pretending that I'm comfortable.

But I took a good hard look around and the thing is, everyone else is feeling the exact same way. We're all pretending. And I've been in many situations like this, but every time I vowed that it would be the last, because once really is enough.

So, I meld with my surroundings and have daydreams of a different sort. Like winning some best director award at some event where I'd feel more worthwhile being in . . .

I'm so anti-social.

Image credits: RaffiThng photography

STOP ZHA-ING MY TEAM!

2010-09-19T02:06:00.002+08:00

I figure if I can watch it, I should be able to take it like a man!

The winds' blowing my bottles down

2010-09-15T17:41:00.001+08:00

image credits: RaffiThngphotography

"You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club"

-Jack London-

Inspiration is hard to come by these days. I find that as life gets increasingly 'lived', everything gets harder to come by. When I first started writing, I was so mesmerized by my new found love interest with words and the discovery that I could really do something with these words that I was inspired by everything and anything. Now, after thousands of posts written, about countless topics explored, I find that I've exhausted my pool of resources. I've written about every inkling of an emotion, talked about all the things that made me-me, penned down every insignificant thought that floated on in my mind- the mundane ones, the silly ones, the heavier ones, and the ones from the heart- that right now, it seems like I have to go at it bearing arms and jealously guarding whatever precious drops of inspiration I have left- if there is any left at all.

Then recently, I read something Chuck Close said, that "Amateurs look for inspiration; the rest of us just get up and go to work." Those truths were startling to me. I'm no longer an amateur anymore, I can no longer afford to be. We don't look for the inspiration we once used to, we simply live life.

We wake up in the mornings...

we get out of bed...

We go about our days doing things.

All things and everything.

The things that I've always been searching for, the ones I thought was lacking for so long, was really just the joy in living again, and I mean, really living. My life has become so much about the routine and the mundane, that I've forgotten the important things without really realizing what I've forgotten.

Things like celebrating the little things, like hugs, and taking a nice long run.

Its also the things found in real conversations, and cups of coffee with cookies on the side . . .

Or things like smiling at random strangers, and holding the door open for the person behind you . . . Its in so many things, great things and little things . . . and nothing at all.... yet, everything.

Also, to find 'it', isn't so much in looking for the new things. It's in realizing the things that have always been there. As your life's story unfolds, you discovered the character developments of the ones you love, there's change, and stories within stories... and when you reread it again, you discover things that you might not have seen before.

Then at the end of the day, in our cars, at the quiet corner of our rooms, facing the window, walking home, behind closed doors...

its about looking to the outside world, and realizing that you were very much alive today as you had been yesterday.

I have this little black notebook on my desk.

In it is where I pen down all my hopes, and dreams, and everything I believe in.

I wrote about the things that inspired me, moved me, and every random thought that crept in at any obtuse moment in the day.

I often think I would like to remember them, and when I write, I often do. These words are often lyrical, and its always something or rather about the ebb and flow of the lines that capture me.

These things scream certain truths about the world,

truths startling enough to make me hit the 'pause' button of my day and wonder about the world and all its contents and discontents.

After all, "the unexamined life is not worth living" said Socrates.

On a mission to count my blessings

2010-09-13T19:57:00.003+08:00

*Ping* The green chip flew underneath his car seat.

A split second silence, then we both burst out laughing.

"I had no idea how that happened!" I said. "I honestly had no idea..."

Yeah he's used to that by now. I thought.

I also have no idea how anyone could think I look 'the same' when I scare myself when I catch my own reflection.

Today he said "aih.. you're really weird when you're sick."

No I agree, there's no refuting that one.

And its little things like green m&m poker chips from a thousand miles away to know that I'm still thought about, and that someone still cares. Thank you for always showing me you love me, I needed it so much today you had no idea. Both of you were like God-sent today, thank you so much.

Justin Lee and the light !

2010-09-10T22:18:00.004+08:00

(unfortunately the bad-lighting and Mac camera doesn't do it justice)

Justin Lee you are so kick-ass!

This has got to be the most ingenious, original, creative gifts anyone has ever made me!

He made me a friggin' light.

A light!

Out of corrugated cardboard, and a piece of wood.

Justin thank you so much!

This really really, really made my day!

after what seemed to be days of being ill ... (over-dramatizing... its 2 days, but you know! it sure felt long when you don't get to go places and do things), its things like these that puts a smile back on my face again.

Oh and blame U-Jean for taking THIS LONG to pass it to me.

I would do my thanks in a more private setting... but you're never online, you don't check Facebook, I doubt you check your mail.... So the only place I ever hear of you is you reading my blog.

So Thank you Justin! You have no idea! !

... and thank you U-Jean for driving all the way, and for getting the light-bulb, and for staying up all night with him working on the thing.

you guys ! ! !

(runs off to cry ...)

No seriously... I miss you guys so much.

sniffs*

Silence - Tee Jowee

2010-09-08T22:41:00.004+08:00

Today you told me you tried googling "Silence" and "Tee Jowee" and "Lyrics" before and couldn't find anything. So because I don't want you to be that crazy stalker chick, ONLY for you I do this.

If life were a movie,

then it would be easier to have a happy ending

one better than I used to believe

I wish you were near me

then it would be easier to love you like I want to

then make you fall in love with me

Silence rings,

echoes through

then I begin to think that we could be

and hope begins to shine on me

then your face fades again

words stop writing but its not the end of this song . . .

p.s., now you don't have to be psychotic stalker anymore okay?

love you.

To future you

2010-09-02T18:21:00.005+08:00

image credits: Raffithngphotography

Dear you,

You're occupying a good sized apartment in my brain right now, and the music sounds the best it could be from where I'm standing. The only thing that's missing is you here with me.

That thought was a sort of random, however these randoms are always at a tandem with yours, so its the kind of random you'll understand. Its the kind of ESP- mind bending things we'll undoubtedly have.

Many of them say I should stop writing like this, with this much hope and idealism, but I really can't help it, and they really don't understand. I do have such hope, because I know of your existence. You're only just getting here. . . but friend, you sure do take your time.

Speaking of friends.... a friend of mine said this once. I asked her where her boyfriend was, and she said something like "On his way here ..." and very suddenly broke the dreamy pensive with a "... really ah sometimes I think he died on his way here or something..." I laughed aloud with all of them. Immediately I imagine you there with them- My friends, I know they're your kind of people. The kind of people you'll love, because they're my people.

I'm too sentimental, too wordy, too feely . . . but all at once you quell all my doubts, I don't know how, it'll just be in that imperfect/perfect way you do. Plus, its also because I'm too selfish to explore any further. You know I know you read everything.

I dream with a broken heart, with my wounds wide open, because its the best way I know how.

I make the most of the sadness you know . . . because I can't write when I'm happy. I know I'm doomed because I know that the world has color, but I can't help seeing in black and white. That's why I have you, because you refill the dull with the new bursts of vibrant.

You're standing in my room right now. And I see your face but you don't say a word. You're not you at the moment. and I can't help you say these things I know you're going to.

Sometimes I wonder, why can't be lovers and fighters at the same time? Was it really a choice to be made?

Anyway, its too cliched that we're fighting for love and loving the fight....

...and you,

I really wish there was really a you I would write for.

But at the moment I'll settle for this, a future you. . .

p.s. Because when you get here, there'll be more of these notes about the nothings, somethings and everything all at the same time.

Stupid people get all the love

2010-09-02T17:15:00.003+08:00

Its really frustrating to see the whole world fall for stupid people. It makes me question, really what's the point of amassing common-sense, and knowledge, and being a better, more capable human being (whose existence is worth something to this world) when the majority of the world's population end up falling for the helpless bimbos anyway?

(this is assuming you go with the point that bettering ourselves serves the purpose of being better received)

Yeah that's just me being bitter.

And I realize that this is a very effeminate point of view, so to have it relate to the dudes that read my post, this frustration is akin to.... or somewhere along the lines of how girls always seem to fall for the bad boys. Really unfair isn't it? Here you are being the perfect gentleman, the nice guy. . . and then in walks this dude who treats her like crap, and she's all over him.

No its not the same, but the craziness is alike.

Yes. Girls are crazy.

No really I agree. And so are boys.

Do you enjoy having to explain things to her constantly, 24-7?

Well maybe you do.

...And to put up with her blank stares into space, and to talk about trivial subject matters that go to nowhere and back?

Well, yeah maybe you do.

SO, I mean seriously, even the most intelligent men, the ones with real substance fall for people who has the intelligence of a muffin. At this point I just want to flip the tables, or okay take the less aggressive approach and scratch my head and go "meh lei geh!?" What's wrong with you? What do you see in her?

Brilliant.

And well you know what... I suppose, to take a more holistic approach... I could be more fair and say that, its not that people love stupid people, its that they love happy people. I mean, people, everyone in general (not just boys) want to be around the ones that make them the happiest. And the stupid people are some of the most happiest people around. All oblivious, blissfully so...

and not to mention cute and adorable. Oh yes we can't forget that.

and maybe its not even that. . . maybe its just the value in taking life less seriously, and to take great pleasure in throwing all the burdens of the world out the window. . . and your brains along with it.

Maybe if I were happier, and less bitter, I wouldn't be writing this post.

But then you know . . . I tend to write bitter posts anyway.

So that was realism.

and here's postmodernism....

a post without a conclusion.

Here's Something For Now . . .

2010-08-27T19:02:00.004+08:00

We lived like rock-stars for awhile. . .

Long nights of sound-checks that start 2-3 hours late, limited food and sustenance, frustrations at the imperfections of our music . . . freaking out at appropriate moments, hearts beating at hyper speed. . .

Wanted to puke, wanted to faint, wanted to pee in our pants, went a little delirious. Holding hands, practicing 'game-faces', sweating. Oh those heavy amps, cables and instruments . . . But you should know I loved every moment of it, minus the neck-aches and arm-aches of course. In the end, we were proud to say we did the best we could. Much better than our practices the few nights before.

The best thing about the night was all our friends and loved ones that came to see us. And you coming after I told you not to. Its the flowers, hugs, encouragements, cameras. . .

The shouts from the crowd, the cheers, the hoots.

Then all the love after.

Thank you. You guys were the best part about the night.

And for all of you that weren't there... the Iman's, Wing Hang's and etc. I feel your love from miles away and appreciate you so much for being apart of my life.

The best thing about performing, is feeling like you've accomplished something great, win or lose. And of all the other important lessons we learned in our lives, this was another great one. Its the notion of hard-work, and 'applying ourselves'. Imagine what we could have accomplished if we had started sooner, if we had put in more, if we were better planned.

And not the rushed practicing 2/3 nights before.

The results we got was a miracle by any count.

I've always lived with the motto of 'second place is first loser'. But Wei-Lin said something important yesterday... something along the lines of "...If you looked back on your life at this moment, you'd wish you had been happier. . ."

And its true. I'm not going to think, or harp, or analyze. I'm just going to be happy. And I am happy. More so than I've been in a long time. Its funny what a little love can do to a person, it goes a whole heck of a long way.

Image credits: RaffiThng photography

You know that all is right in the world when you see mom and dad lying on the floor, sound asleep under the whirring fan, escaping the afternoon heat.

Jowern's getting ready to go out with her love and Johan's watching 30 seconds to Mars, commenting on how one of them has got a mohawk now. I tear myself away from the scene after sharing the events of the night before, and head to the orange tint of my room. The smells of home after being not present for so long is like bread pudding and jam, chamomile and lavender scented shampoo, and the memories of the 6 year old Jowee riding her first bicycle. I pick up my phone and reply congratulatory messages, encouraging ones, loving ones... all the while still reeling from yesterday.

Now, back to work. . .

Toni Morrison you make me sad. Governing the Global Economy, you make me feel stupid. Nationality, Ethnicity and Conflict... sigh, I wish you were more engaging. Media Theories . . . you are so-so in my life.

This really spoke to me

2010-08-21T21:09:00.002+08:00

word.

ps./ word count 130. Due Monday.

Shine

2010-08-18T21:28:00.004+08:00

I don't see how I can write upbeat happy songs when all I'm feeling is the whole, entire opposite of it. I wrote one in Josh's class today, in addition to sketching a whole line of "House of Tee" Fall/Winter collection beside the lecture notes slash un-real notes. I shoved my trusty notebook in Wei-Lin's face, to which she read the inky blues and commented "so angry and angsty".

Truth be told that wasn't what I was thinking of at all when I wrote it. The tune it was in was the staccato, Lilly Ellen/Kate Nash/Alphabeat sort. Which is really, what a lot of my songs sound like. So when its set that to angry lyrics like that, you tend to get a sort of twisted comic morbidity. If there really is such a thing. But then again, I really shouldn't try describing my work ( I wasn't trying), other people should be the ones judging it.

But all these are inconsequential . . . .

I'm at home now.

I tuned into some Laura Izibor, specifically "shine", and can't help but do a little dance in my room. Pants-less. That is the best. Then I painted on some rouge just for fun, though I'm going nowhere at 9.33p.m. on a Wednesday night.

I feel silly when I'm happy. Well I AM silly when I'm happy. But then silliness is part of the process. We're all pretty silly.

Sometimes people say things that makes me feel like a freak of nature. As if 'depth' and 'intellect' is a strange thing for me to possess. To them, I 'think too much'. But really I don't think of why I'm such and such and such, because I don't see many of the things people see in me in that light.

The only thing I would say is that I'm just curious of the world at large. I find myself asking the 'why's' and 'how's' with really genuinely, sincerely wanting to know. And many people don't like those questions. Either its the threat of baring their souls, or just the indifference and laziness to think beyond that.

But I think people are just more than that. They could be if they wanted to. Oh! If only they wanted to. That would be the most sublime. But its just simpler to talk about, this person and that. Or how that person is such a female dog, how much attention he lacks. Or how wasted this other person got that night. All the happenings around our immediate 'worlds'. Of course, its all valid and newsworthy, these things.

But then . . . when your purpose for living is different, when you are purposed in your hearts. . . you tend to value different things. . . and have different types of conversations . . . and think about different things . . .and say different things... and do things differently.

I realized at the start of this post I really had nothing to say.

I lost it for the longest time now.

But I took a note from Adriel to not think so much, not to be such a perfectionist, and just hit publish.

a going to be revolutionary,

Jowee.

What to do in a Zombie attack

2010-08-15T19:20:00.002+08:00

(I decided to take a note from Adriel on this one)

Here are a few Do's and Don'ts to help you survive the impending doom of a zombie attack.

FIRST of all, NUMBER ONE= Stay inside.

For the life of me, I do not know why people always like to run from one safe place to another 'safe' place during a zombie infestation. At the first signs of outbreak, one should always stay the hell inside! Bolt the doors, and preferably aim a shotgun near the windows!

Number two, Look for High Ground.

Zombies are rather dense creatures. I doubt they crane their necks up much. They can try but it drops off, because well them being rotten flesh and the undead and all, their bones don't really hold them together. Also if you're high above, its a better vantage point for some zombie target practice. Make sure you aim for their heads. (Sniper Rifle M40 ;) )

Which is why we should all play L4D and Modern Warfare more. Its good practice.

Number 3. Show No Mercy

She is not your mother/girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/bestfriend anymore. Shoot or be killed.

FOUR. Arm yourselves

Artillery- Assault Rifles, Pistols, Shotguns, Sniper Rifles... all expensive pieces of weaponry that aren't readily accessible to the common man. Therefore I suggest you make your own flamethrower. (Kinda like Rorschach in Watchmen)

Or during this time you just stick close to a friend that does this during his free time.

If you want to know how to do it on your own... Just:

1. Get a can of WD40. 2. Get a lighter. 3. light the lighter and spray the can. Because you know Zombies are all afraid of the fire and stuff.

Justin Lee! When zombies come I go your house okay?!

Five. Be all incognito

As I mentioned before, Zombies are really slow and dense creatures. Just camouflage yourselves and pretend to be one of them- Raise both hands at an awkward angle and walk with a weird limp while moaning like *aurrrghhhh hurrrhhgghhgh garrggghhhh* real slowly.

and the last one, Number 6,

JUST Run faster than the other dude

When all else fails, just get fat friends, or make sure you run faster than all of them. Same principle when it comes to bear attacks.

****

However, in case you were wondering...

if one should get bitten by a zombie . . . take this test to see how long it would take you to get infected. For me it was an hour and ten minutes. Not bad I might say.

Created by Oatmeal

And if you don't already know the Oatmeal, you should read it. Its only the best site ever! Oh, and this is his funnier two cents regarding zombies.

CLICK.

Gift from the Foo

2010-08-14T11:09:00.004+08:00

The Video cut off at the end har har har !

and I wanted to say I love you Foo and I miss you!

The cure

2010-08-14T00:18:00.002+08:00

image credits: RaffiThng Photography

For the past week, I've just been really bogged down with so many frustrations. Its the kind of internal chaos that manifests itself in curt, terse remarks and an almost perpetual furrowed brow. It wasn't really anything specific, but more of the kind pertaining to 'life-in-general'.

Sometimes, it almost seems like we can't see the end of our bad days- the sun hides behind the clouds, and even the stars black out to the darkness. I think that many times we look for quick fixes. Like the ones found in chocolate pastries, and the scent of Raspberry mists, or the potentially destructive ones of drowning in alcohol, and in flings that go nowhere. It wasn't until late this week (it was a Thursday) that I find that the greatest things in life is found in real conversations, and people, and just living your days in numbered steps, counting your blessings.

I found all of these things wrapped in the neat form of an old friend. Cherry said something this week about a quote she read, that went something like " You know a book's a good book when you finished the last page and felt like you've just lost a friend." I really loved that quote and I'll remember it. But something better than that adage, is that this old and dear friend reads me like how we read good books. Its no wonder though, because knowing each other since we were eleven, these are the ones that know you best, and to the deepest degree, and the ones that last.

I take refuge in the comfort that you'll always know what I'm saying when I say it. And I'll never have to come with disclaimers, or forewords, or doubt of afterthoughts. I just bring myself. It was just you, me, and the day. I realized how much I missed us, and real conversations. The ones that mean something, and comes to resolutions. Not the ones that leaves me dissatisfied because I haven't fully expressed what I meant, or somehow can't, because the other person doesn't wish to actually hear it. Not the ones where one hogs the conversation more than another. Its equity at its finest, and in addition, I feel like you always hear me, and that always makes things better. It helps me live a little better. It keeps me sound knowing that someone, somewhere understands and hears what's in my mind. Not just the flouncy, snarky comments I make that ricochets off laughter and smirks.

And I missed that a lot. I missed us. I don't think one afternoon could placate me.

We've both grown though. We've both grown wearier somewhat. But something about that Thursday reminded me of that Jon Foreman lyric (because you know, we loved Switchfoot so much back then. No, wait, we still do.) that "... home is a place we can always get to by train". Thinking back to that moment with you in the library, I don't think we said nearly enough, and I concur, Home is a place where you're at, and I can get to that by... car, by a phone call, by a loud scream of pain. Home is where my loved ones are at and I don't need to go anywhere as long as I have it here.

Our days unravels itself and unfolds into bouts of pain sometimes. And sometimes we're not sure why it seems to always go downhill. But one thing important to remember is just to take a look around. The world is standing still, people walk on the same streets some in apathy, indifference, some with a spring in their step, others on the phone, still others deep in thought. The trees still stand tall, roots firmly planted in the earth. The sky still shines in a blue, the leaves gives chase on the ground. . . where is the chaos?

Its within ourselves, but all around us, there's a surety that we're not falling apart. our very environment screams of it. There's no more fear, no chaos. There are quick fixes, and then there's you.

Thank you.

I wonder if you still read here.

Yellow

2010-08-13T23:33:00.001+08:00

Yellow makes me really grumpy.

p.s. 5 points for spotting the mosquito bite on my cheek

2010-08-11T23:15:00.002+08:00

I really wish people would just be honest, and say what they really want to say. Do what they really want to do instead of spending their lives dancing around short fuses and slighted feelings.

We keep playing with all the "maybes" and "possibly's", the "does he really?" and " or does he nots?" I'm really tired of playing this game, and tired that people keep making it into one. Feelings aren't a game, and I'm just waiting for something real. Something that I know is true and for all things that we don't have to hide anymore.

Ready to move like today never happened

2010-08-08T23:18:00.003+08:00

"If the language of our characters is so important, that is because it expresses or betrays them completely."

-Marguerite Yourcenar -

The times where you don't see me post anything here, you should know its not because I'm not writing. its because I have probably 5-6 drafts that I've written, re-written, and scrapped entirely. Nothing is good enough to be published at the moment. Not even this one I'm sure. But at some point enough is enough, and I should stop being so hard on myself.

Ryan McGinley

2010-08-04T21:14:00.000+08:00

I like his photography.

This is part of the series marked early 1998-2003.

Tuesday time

2010-08-03T18:55:00.005+08:00

Photocredits: Kenneth Leow

The days are getting hotter.

After my shower I just go about my room naked for as long as I possibly can until I am forced to meet people again. The dripping wet hair plus the fan whirring at full blast helps a little. . .

We've hit the middle mark to the near end of the year and I'm getting slightly restless within myself. I suppose its signs that I need to step outside of myself more.

For the past two weeks there's just been so much to read that's still left pending, and so much to do that is yet undone, I've barely had time for myself at all.

I realized a few things about myself within the course of the chaos: its that one, I'm the kind of person that really, really needs her alone time. The quiet of the day where I can just sit and think, and expel thoughts... either onto a sketchpad, or paper, or on my piano, or just within my head, just so I can block out the white noise within rest of the world.

Its like Descartes said, " I think therefore I am."

If I don't think, I find I lose myself a little. I make temporary slips in life, and when my thoughts are all over the board, so is my being. However, there's been various contentions to that quote, I'm just using it in its lightest, most superficial of terms. You'll see me use it a lot in the coming weeks. Year twos work and teachings have been a blast... a brain blast that is. Its all questioning reality, and all the hard questions that don't have any answers. Its a love-hate relationship, and like all love hate relationships its usually more based on love and love unrequited anyway.

These days, the weather gets to me too. My hair has grown really long and heavy and I feel the compulsion to just chop it all off. I think like that about myself, the fact that I don't place attachments to the things around and about me (however you'll find that I contradict myself from time to time). Which brings me to number two of my 'realizations', its that I can love many things and many people dearly, but if need be that I should leave, I can detach myself with relative ease. This doesn't mean I'm an unfeeling android, or that I forget and unlove those I love, it just means that I've grown to protect myself well. I've grown accustomed to adapting and changing to the circumstances, if I have to block out feelings, I will. Because the moment I do let my feelings hit me, I can't survive.

I suppose if you were to psychoanalyze me, you could say that I am in fact more sensitive than most. I feel things deeper. I feel love deeper, which is why I put up my walls for my own sake. . . but that's another story, not for today.

The way time moves. . . it scares me a little, no actually it scares me a whole lot, however, its never too much because I ground myself in scripture and in the hope of the promises made upon my life, and for that I am so, truly grateful.

I also realized another thing, that I can never be the kind of blog that is the 'all-thats'. Because I work in a stream-of-consciousness that not everyone gets. I'm just not that type of person that makes life easy for you and structure my posts. I suppose I can be, but I just don't apply myself enough because at the end of the day I'm just too tired. The mood in which I blog is often when I'm in my pensive, contemplative states... I relinquish the need for order and cohesion... so perhaps that's why I never really hit the nail in the head, and people never really get hit in love.

However, I think things would be really different if I actually tried harder. But then again. . . I'm hungry and tired now...

*runs off to eat.

2010-07-31T22:45:00.004+08:00

I feel like I failed.

I really can't write well anymore.

Runs off to cry*

"Destroying everything seems like an option"

Yong Huey Li

2010-07-31T19:22:00.006+08:00

Lying on your bedroom floor, side by side, we watched the ceiling whirring in its rhythmic drones, and talked for hours of everything we used to be and everything we are now.

I'm not so sure what it was, but it reminded me of all the days we spent mucking around, not really doing much. We cooked scrambled eggs with honey a lot, and danced, and I mean really frolicked in the rain. And for the days where there weren't any rain, we spent the afternoon spraying each other with the hose and dancing under that. Thinking about it now, it was so silly, but I loved that we were those people.

Also, come to think of it, you were always dancing. . . and in many ways I like to think you taught me how. ( Well how to shake my flat ass for the world to see that is)

We were ten then, and I remembered climbing over the white walls separating us, and wishing that we had an overhead bridge connecting my room and yours so we didn't have to climb so much. I loved flying on the tire swing in your front lawn, and wading through the strangling weeds while pretending to pick 'mushrooms' in the woods. . .

Between laughs you reminded me of the Chinese imperialist/empress story we imitated, and all the little 'picnics' we had in our garden.

I brought out a huge blanket, and all the junk-food in my house to the grassy area, all the while fending off 'Spot' who always threatened to trample all over us and devour our food.

That day, sitting on your bedroom floor, we looked at all our old photographs and saw how ugly we used to be. We groaned at the bespectacled me, and the fatter you, and we laughed so hard at our squinted expressions. I think we tried remembering our dreams, or rather more importantly we tried to remember if they've changed. I don't think they have changed too much, and I'm so grateful for it. It proves something to me- It gave me hope for the future that the important things we talked about wouldn't change as much. In a way, I kinda missed those two ugly girls a little- The carefree innocence, the uninhibited screams and childish thoughts we never thought were wrong. You should know I'm smiling now, and tearing up a little.

We were neighbors- The same street, the same road... but In many ways I like to think we lived beside each other in life in general, even long after I moved to where I am. I think our hearts were kinda moulded together in a way. Of all the 'firsts' were shared together (many of them unmentionable *smiles) from glasses, to boys, to family problems, and to the time where we battled heavy body/image issues- (You scared me that time you lost so much weight), I treasure all of that, and its a honor to be able to share it with you.

You were always the life of the party and the 'naughtier' one, and there were many times where we snuck out and walked all the way to Parkson (then Yaohan) amidst the heavy traffic and clearly dangerous acts of two young, 11-12 year old girls walking unaccompanied. But oh the danger was intoxicating! I don't know what the draw was back then because all we ever did was walk there, buy our McDonalds Vanilla ice-cream and walk back again. But in any case, that was exhilaration to our younger minds.

I loved wasting time with you, and spending our days throwing it away. I think we found by doing that, it almost always came back to us. Today the days speed by faster in a sort of long/short- we were caught always wishing it went by faster and yet yearning that time wouldn't pass us by. Back then days were savored, and you were the perfect companion.

I wish to say we were always tight, but like anyone else, there were times in our friendship where there were temporary lapses and other whole great gaping gaps. There was a time where we were so wrapped up in our own lives that we hardly saw each other. But I'm glad to say we always managed to find each other again.

Thank you for never judging me when I was being an idiot, and for always, always being so encouraging. And for all the times when you lent an ear, to all the times I covered your ass when your mom came calling. . . There are so many other 'thank yous' I'm sure, but that would be exhausting. :)

The future is full of uncertainties, I do not know if we'll 'make it big' in the world or be all we ever said we wanted to be, but I do know that we'll never go down without a strangle,wrangle,wrestling dirty fight. And if all else fails, there's always us. That I'm certain of.

I miss you.

My weekends are quiet without you.

That day we spent lying on your bedroom floor, staring at the ceiling fan . . .

p.S./ Remember France. We only have 10 years left to save.

Brooke Schwab's Photography

2010-07-27T22:52:00.002+08:00

Some days you feel things that words don't describe.

Well, I'm feeling a lot like this today.

Brooke Schwab photography

I like this particular set a lot.

Sputnik

2010-07-26T00:56:00.005+08:00

A few things :

I named my new car Sputnik
I have a new car! Yay :)

Well some of you already know this, but for those who don't... well "TADAH!"

Technically anything I own that is expensive isn't exactly 'mine' per se. Its the family car. But I call it 'mine' anyway for practical linguistic purposes (practical linguistic purposes?! What the heck? This proves my brain is going to the shitzes), and besides, I would drive it most often anyway. So I'll call mine sputnik.

I named it so, because it is white, and it is a Myvi.*

No. Those aren't very relevant reasons. Those are the 'dan lain-lain" reasons I somehow always say in place of the actual, more logical reasons. AND I realize, I do that. A LOT. It happens when I'm having debates, when answering any sort of subjective answer, and I ALMOST do that when doing assignments (because it has become such a default by now, but thankfully I listen to reason when my grades depend on it).

Somehow this happens not cause I want it to, but because the default in my brain doesn't churn out the correct answers. It churns out answer number two. It got the ordering wrong somehow. Actual answers are so 'second place' to me. I actually have all the actual 'spot-on' answers in my head, but those answers are so boring. Those answers are the ones that everyone else can answer, and doesn't require any effort to churn out. So most of the time I answer the underdog answer. The answers that are less untouched, and are less likely to be said. Because I feel sad for the other answer and feel like they need to be given more air-time, which doesn't actually make any sense. But then your face doesn't make sense so big whoop.

When given a choice, I almost always take the road less traveled, cause life's more interesting like that. I do that when:

Ordering food. E.G. Fish and chips versus *marsalar bi bim bab, I'd pick the weirder sounding one. (* no such food, just for examples sake and yes I give bad examples)
Making friends. (Oh I guess thats why you guys are so weird)
buying clothes. ( Oh I guess thats why my clothes are so weird, according to Jared Goon)
when answering questions (but oh I said that already . . . so.... )

In situations like that, its fine to take the road less travelled. But when its crucial for me to do so, I have to get to the main point! So sometimes I get really frustrated when explaining things, because people don't get what I'm trying to say... because I would always explain the point that interests me and excites me most, which most often isn't the main point. Its most often the 'dan lain-lain's ', therefore, this is yet another one of the many anomalies I possess in life. And now you know. So next time when you talk to me, and I start being all indecipherable, tell me... to get to the point. However, I'm learning. I'm being more on-point these days. :)

But back to the car...

* This is another one of those times where I eat my words again, just like the many other billions of "I will never"s in my life. Owning a Myvi was something I told myself I will never own. However, things like these aren't up for me to decide because I am not rich, and I am still 20, living under my parents roof. Therefore, I now own that car.

In general I do not have much preferences when it comes to cars, because one, I count myself very blessed to be able to even drive and own one! So I'm not complaining; and two, cars to me are to serve a practical purpose, they are to be driven, not accessories and status symbols, or toys and such. Hence the 'no preference' thing.

However, I did have my preconceived notions to driving a Myvi because I was biased. A Myvi to me felt so noobie because it was:

So so so overrated. EVERYBODY on earth has a Myvi. I was not special anymore. (not like a Waja was any more special, just saying, I think there are more Myvis than Wajas. This is an uneducated inference, do not fight me with this point.)
It is a noobie first-time driver car. (The amount of 'P's on the Myvi astounds me)
It is such a 'girl' car.
I feel wimpish driving the car because I feel like its such a 'girl' car.
If I had my way I would drive Hummers. I have a feeling its something like a Napoleon complex. (Bonaparte, not Dynamite. He's the really, really vertically-challenged historical figure.) Its the notion that because I lack in something therefore I have to have something big and powerful to make up for it? Yeah that sort of thing. However, don't start analyzing me. I will smite you. (Meh, I analyze myself enough already. I smite me.)

In any case, there isn't a thing I can do about it now. We sold off the old car. We got the new car because its more fuel efficient, and the old car was falling apart (ask me and I will tell you the story of how it broke down when I was driving it.)

But you know, through it all, I do love the new car because:

It has the new car smell!
I love new car smells! I love anything new! ( the plastic covers are still on the seats. I should take it off now. Its a fire hazard)
The license plate is darned amusing to me. (again, ask me in real life and I'll tell you)
It really is more fuel efficient.
It is darned easy to drive. Prior to this, I had no idea cars could be THIS easy to drive. I never knew this because the Waja is low, and has too many blind spots. The other 2 cars in my house is the MPV and the Volvo, both of which are equally bulky and relatively difficult to drive. But the thing is, I never knew that was 'difficult' when compared to this 'easy'. Therefore, I am happy. :)

I do not like that smiley faces are sideways. :(

Oh my goodness, I did not mean for this post to be so long. I originally just wanted to say that "my car is called Sputnik". and look where I went...

Well, This is called, no-planning!

Hee.

I love you all.

p.s. this whole post was 'dan lain-lain' as well. My point was to explain why I'm calling it Sputnik. . .

there really isn't a reason. I think its because I'm reading War and Peace... So I'm all into the Russians and the Bolsheviks and what nots now. And yeah, the white reminds me of a shuttle space/ship. But now I'm just glamorizing my Myvi as a spaceship (HAH HAH, I originally typed space- ship first instead of Myvi. I deluded myself already)

p.p.s I think I'm getting prettier. Either that or I'm having a more positive self-esteem. Either, either that or I'm becoming more deluded.

Most likely more deluded than prettier.

I should sleep.

This should be more concrete

2010-07-24T18:05:00.003+08:00

But at the moment I'm kinda zoning out. . .

So come back later and maybe I would have talked about something that would make me proud to be called a 'Tee Jowee' by then.
Whatever did that mean?!

Oh I give up!

Oh and I od-ed on post-its and stick-its.

Then rearranged my desk/room for the thousandth time.

The only time in my life I wished I was taller.

P.s. extra points if you spot the picabot.

I'm right where I belong

2010-07-22T21:38:00.000+08:00

image credits: RaffiThngPhotography

We all knew this hiatus wouldn't last- Not when there's so much going on.

Among these 'going on's' are major conflicts, battles in dying to self, the dawn of epiphanies and memories... of excitements and of many 'firsts'.

There are first days, first meetings, first experiences, first classes...

There was also death... and well, then there's life...

******************************************************

During the first day of Contemporary Fiction with Dr. Andrew, he reminded me again of certain truths. Namely that "Literature was never meant to be a thing of beauty, its meant to represent reality..." devoid of what form that reality took. It made me rethink my own writing again and how I always yearn for the aesthetics and beauty of words till the point of forgetting the point in all of it. The point is telling the truth. Its Retelling what's real for me, its being honest with what I'm saying, even when its ugly. That by far is more important. I'm glad for the reminder. ;)

This semester, I'm excited for ALL the subjects, I'm taking:

COM2411 - Media, Culture, Power: Theories of Mass Communication
INT 2085 - Governing The Global Economy: Stability, Efficiency, Justice
INT 2030 - Nationality, Ethnicity and Conflict
ENH 2405 - Contemporary Fiction

I feel like the first day of classes are like the first time you meet someone new. Usually I can read a person with accuracy within the first 3 seconds of meeting them. The handshake, the gestures, the movements, the way a person speaks and looks at you... it all gives off telltale signs of who you are. Within the first 3 seconds, we actually give off more than we care to let on. My classes are exactly like that for me. I feel like I can know whether or not I am going to enjoy them within the first 3 seconds of sitting down, and then later when the lecturer starts speaking. And so far, for Contemporary Fiction, it was love at first sight. AH Contemporary Fiction! Its like I've been waiting for you all my life and I've finally found you!

Here, throughout the duration of this semester, I'll be reading:

The Remains Of The Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
Atonement - Ian McEwan
Disgrace - J.M. Coetzee
The War: A memoir - Marguerite Duras
Beloved - Toni Morrison
Hiroshima Mon Amour - Marguerite Duras
Maus - Art Spiegelmen
The New York Trilogy: City of Glass, Ghosts, The Locked Room - Paul Auster

That's nine pieces of postmodern literature for me to devour. I'm really excited. Like sex...(not like I would know) nine times, in all new different ways and positions. Sigh...

Books, you satisfy me in a way no man can. :)

Either way I went to the library like the cute little nerd I am (I say cute because I can't find any other adjective to make 'nerd' sound appealing) today to scurry around the shelves and manage to borrow 3 of those 9. The rest were all either borrowed, or they didn't have it. So in any case if you don't find those books in the library, its probably cause I took the last copies. Sorry. heh heh.

I feel as though I might want to study forever, stay in uni forever, because knowledge-gathering is so infectious to me-like some rabid disease. Of course I want to make my mark on the world too, but its just the total freedom there of being able to spew out thoughts all you want and not be judged for it (that you know of), and to speak the same language of idealism and ideas, and theories, and democracy. Its the notion of all these different ideas ricocheting off each other, and becoming so much more inspired, and better formed because of it. And different opinions help make your own ones better, stronger, or changed because of it. I like that we talk about the world like its still important, and politics and climate change . . . and inequalities and gender and disparities... I like that we talk about it like its still human, because it becomes ineligible and inanimate once it gets funneled through media devices.

I like finding myself, and making my beliefs better because of different beliefs. Sure its scary, and intimidating at times to have such strong opinions that shake your own, but then I get to dig my heels into the ground, and find out why I still think the way I do despite it all.

These were my notes for Dr. Yeoh's class,

I drew:

A Sarsi Can
Bob Marley
Trinity (From the Matrix)
Redrew the man-looking-at-computer logo to woman-looking-at-Norwegian-porn. (yeah I drew that for you love)

The Sarsi Can was for Sashi, cause Dr. Yeoh kept calling Sashi Sarsi. I drew Bob Marley because Dr. Yeoh also misheard something like Mosquito as Marley somehow, and Trinity, cause there were images of The Matrix in his slides. Oh and the Norwegian porn thing, well, its Iman's favourite. I was thinking of you love :)

I love Dr. Yeoh.

We laughed so much in that class.

********************************************************

There was also something else Dr. Andrew talked about in class that day. Something about memories and time. . . Memorials and effigies, plaques and candlelight vigils... they're not really for the dead, because the dead don't need them. What use do they have for it?

Memorials are for the living. Its about finding the solace in grief and keeping the memories of the person alive... so that we don't ever lose them, so that they never really have to die.

A friend reminded me of something else about Mr. Ben that day. He said that, Ben was the kind of person you wanted to share your successes with.

"He was going to wait for me to come back with my degree."

"He was going to critique my first film"

"He was going to come for my premiere"

-All things that we said . . .

Yes that's who he was. He was that person you wanted beside you to share all your joys with, to see the look of his face shine with pride...

I'll remember that about him...

because thats how I keep him alive.

Mr. Ben, even in death you still inspire.

Image of plates

Image of friends

... Because friends are like plates-

They hold the things that help you survive.

p.s. Now I belong.

Love,

Jowee

Ben

2010-07-20T19:04:00.015+08:00

Some things are more important than others.

Mr. Ben didn't show up for class on Monday.

It was the first day of the new semester, and everyone in the lecture hall found it strange as to why he wasn't there.

In his absence, Mr. Julian came and talked about Godzilla and Alien Vs. Predator.

I found that quite amusing. . .

The day went by, and it soon turned into night. My phone rang. Then I heard, between tears and sobs that Mr. Ben wasn't here anymore. . .

It may have been a Sunday night ( we think, the autopsy has not confirmed it). The television was heard blaring its muted tones, and his lights were still turned on in the clear light of day. They called his house phone and heard it ringing from the outside, but no one picked up the call. They got the administration for his apartment key, but the padlock was latched. So they called the authorities and they broke down the door.

He was found in his kitchen room floor, at an awkward angle. They suspected he might have fallen and hit his head on the counter, or maybe it was some part of the spinal cord that broke. Maybe he fainted first, and because of the angle his body fell at, it led to asphyxiation. We don't know. We're not doctors. (updated: found out from the annexe gallery.com that it was due to cardiac arrest)

Sir, you should know that it came as a shock to us all. It was literally just yesterday where you sauntered down the halls in your usual manner. Talking in that familiar voice, with all your perfectly enunciated vocabulary. I remembered the first time I laughed at one of your quirky sensibilities. It was during orientation and the lecturers were supposed to introduce themselves. It happened that the some of the lecturers who were supposed to speak after you weren't there, so you spun around full circle at the microphone, pretending to transform, and then said "... and now I'm Sheila" We all laughed.

You do that a lot. You make us laugh with you.

Once during lectures in the previous semester, a particularly disrespectful student shouted out at you mid-lecture to "Get on with the show already!" A little after the incident a friend commented saying "How could he do that?! It's Ben!" It was Ben! who could ever ill-treat our beloved Ben in that manner? We all loved you. We still do. You were adored by all who knew you. It was ever so hard not to. During lectures, your train of thought always flowed in a sort of randomness that made sense. We could sit there listening for ages in wide-eyed amusement, it didn't even matter if it related, or made sense. It was enlightening either way. All your spot-on observations of life, your charisma, your wit and sarcasm... it just captured us, suspending us all in the moment with you.

Many of us were in black today, we also had a moment of silence for you before Dr. Yeoh's lecture. . .

*************************************

Today we walked pass the hallway leading to your room. There were fresh arrays of bouquets laid out on the floor, and countless of notes, post-its and sayings pasted on your door. I looked pass your window and saw three cigarette boxes sitting quietly on your desk. Your shelves looked kept and neat, with piles of paper stacked just so. I wondered if it was just my imagination, but I swore I could still smell the lingering scents of cologne mixed with nicotine.

There was also something else in the air that day. Its the memory of your sweet, sweet spirit and the wave of a sullen quiet permeating the corridors.

I like to imagine you watching your favourite movies, with popcorn, sitting beside Ms. Yasmin Ahmad, with God's sitting in between. I hope you're just enjoying your day, if there are such thing as 'days' in heaven. We still miss you though, and still wish you were here with us. I wish I had dropped by more often. I wish I had told you how beloved you were to us. I wish I borrowed your stapler more often. . . maybe offer a kind word when I saw you smoking outside the front gates, something like "are you okay?" or a simple "hello sir, how are you?". Yes I should have done that more often. Sir I miss your smile already. That cheeky smirk that seemed to always say "hmmm I'm thinking of something really smart" or " I know something you don't."

The first day of the semester should have been a fresh start for all of us, a new day, a chance to make things right if they were ever wrong . . .

Dear Mr. Ben, I hope you have many new days, beautiful days, days that never end.

Days that we should've began together.

Benjamin McKay

1964-2010

FTV and Film Studies

School of Arts and Social Sciences, Monash

Sir, we'll miss you so much.

If this were a movie, I wish it would stop

Tides

2010-07-20T01:29:00.004+08:00

Things change all of a sudden.

Things happen.

People change (usually) by their own volition, and often times its due to all the infinite influencing factors.

Well I know I've changed.

p.s. stay tuned for more.

Daryl Ong part two

2010-07-16T23:27:00.002+08:00

(A series of text message exchanges)

Jowee: I feel the need to delete everything I write. Even if its Facebook comments and updates. (That's how frustrated I am)

Daryl: Why? I'm sure it can't be that stupid right? I'm sure your 500 friends would understand your stupidness. . . I would :)

Daryl: Eh you want Kasabian tickets right? I can get it cheaper for you.

Jowee: What Kasabian? Did we ever have this conversation?

Daryl: Eh no Orianthi. Lol. I remember you said you going right? My college selling cheaper.

Jowee: I dunno going or not...... But how much?

Jowee: Like a prostitute... ;) lol.

Daryl: Depends. Bout 20 bucks cheaper each zone.

Jowee: Wow zones! which of your zones are u selling?

Daryl: The coolest zone babe ;)

Jowee: So cheap... 20 bucks less each zone. You have to start paying me.

Jowee: Eh I'm quite funny hor.

Daryl: You're funny like your face is funny.

Jowee: I hate you.

Daryl: Hey I learnt from the best.

Jowee: Ah hah! so you admit I'm the best!

Daryl: Whose talking about you? I was talking about Jimmy Kimmel.

Jowee: Don't bully me ah! cry d!

And the worst part is! my Geochallenge game on FB isn't even working! Now I have nothing to make me feel better!

Daryl: Lol go play fb poker lah. Eh I'm at your page now. I realize we don't have any good pictures together. :(

Jowee: It's your face what. what to do?

Jowee: oh and I'm gonna post parts of tonight's conversation online sometime soon.

Daryl: :( why you like embarassing me wan

Jowee: (smiley face) *with teeth

Daryl: points out missing tooth

Jowee: from your own mouth cause you were looking at a mirror.

Jowee: Eh tonight is more like you embarassing me!

Daryl: Then why you you wanna post? and its only because you let me win tonight.

Jowee: cause we quite cute.

Taken word for word.

p.s.// I know I know I said I was going on a hiatus, but this just entertained me a lot.

p.p.s// remember, those were sms-es. Dang waste money lah.

Temporary hiatus

2010-07-15T20:46:00.000+08:00

(written atop previous post)

Once in awhile, I do this, and I've found that each time I do, I benefit from it.

I've decided to take a break from blogging/ writing for a bit.

I think I'm a little too frustrated and being a little too hard on myself for not being able to deliver the quality I want.

SO, I'll be back, and in the meantime I'll be hard at work... on.... myself.

But don't be too sad.

I'm still here la. Talk to me on Facebook.

**********************************************************************

I have not written hate/sad/feely posts since I was 14.

Never had a full reason to after that. . . or wanted to. If you thought I have been writing all these feely posts all this while, well you haven't seen hate/sad/feely yet.

A of now, a loaded gun is the most dangerous thing I can have beside me.

(this was written 2 days ago, the following is written today:)

At the moment, I'm compartmentalizing my life. Its much more complex than the "what I need" pile and the "What I want" pile.

And also even more complicated than the "to keep" "to sell" and "to donate" pile.

Because I feel like I want to keep all of it. and the lines between what I want and what I need gets blurry.

No, what I'm doing is applying labels and putting them in their appropriate places.

Its the OCD version of it I guess.

Like now, I launched a new blog... but this isn't the exact launch, I will give you the link in a few days. I know... "yet another one?!" you ask. But no I promise you, this will (might) be the last of it.

Also, labels get confusing because someone fits all the labels and none of it at the same time. I'd rather not label it and just let him ( I mean it) be what he ( I mean it) is.

Yes. so there.

That's all I wanted to say today.

Cigarette sex, side effects

2010-07-15T19:53:00.002+08:00

Justin Lee did this one too.

Seeing as how I'm like his greatest fan, you should just link him at your side bar.

Pressure him into doing more of his art pieces.

What we want

2010-07-12T22:18:00.002+08:00

"All our energy is spent for the purpose of getting what we want, and most people never question the premise of this activity - that they know what their true wants are. They do not stop to think whether the aims they are pursuing are something they themselves want.

In school they want to have good marks, as adults they want to be more and more successful, to make more money, to have more prestige, to buy a better car, to go to places, and so on.

However, if I do get this new job, if I get this better car, if I can take this trip - what then? What is the sense of it all? Is it really I who wants this? Am I not running after some goal which is supposed to make me happy and which eludes me as soon as I have reached it?

Therefore, man lives under the illusion that he knows what he wants, while he actually wants what he is supposed to want."

- Eric Fromm, Fear of Freedom (1955)

FromFreshlyBrewedIdeas

World Cup Art

2010-07-11T01:49:00.008+08:00

'Guguletu Strike' by Ed Gray

The FIFA world cup 2010 is coming to a close with the clock striking just 24 hours away from the finals between Spain and the Netherlands. Everyone's excited, jumpy, riveting in their seats, and trying hard to keep their pee in their pants. Okay fine, maybe just me bout the peeing part then. ( you all know my tendency to pee a lot at the most inconvenient times- long car rides, movies etc.)

Paul, everyone's favorite octopus (Except the Germans, but well they're generally bitter anyway) says Spain would win, Pauline (the dutch octopus) says Holland would, there's also a Parakeet from Singapore predicting the cup to fall onto Dutch hands. But hey the bird's from Singapore, do you trust the cracker quaker?

Anyway, my point is, in lieu of the historic event, I thought we could celebrate some Football art. Craig Mark, the Managing Director of this year's international Fine Art exhibit 2010 says, “There has always been a natural synergy between sport and art and culture,”Further adding, “If you go back and look at bushman art, early cave painting, you see sport being illustrated within those paintings. In Africa, football plays a very important role in terms of our daily experience.”

The New York Times

I agree that sports is an art form, and recently felt the draw of what the game brings. The exhibition featured a whole array of different expressions and styles- from Marcus Jansen's urban expressionistic paintings set to asphalt backgrounds, and to Paul Goodnight. It is an overall eclectic pool of artists.

'The Network' by Paul Goodnight

However, I favor Clint Strydom's works because they were black and white ( my aesthetics somehow always fall back to that), and his vision was bent on capturing football at its most simplistic. Most of it was set in the rural areas and showcased the art of football at its roots- with the torn footballs, children playing in the dirt and mud, all captured behind the backdrop that is the vast African landscape.

So forget your multi-million dollar stadiums and controversial management and corporate ownership. Forget your perfectly manicured fields, powerhouse stadium lighting, and the millions you pour into all that camera equipment (though I have to admit it is pretty cool and ohmuhgosh all angles and emotions its insane! But I digress)

All your billion-dollar lucrative endorsements. The celebrity statuses of the players, the insane amount they're making, all your big-pocketed professionals flocking the V.I.P seats, the wags, the infidelities, the secretbastardchildren . . . what is that? What is football?

Do not forget.

You have to click on the links for more because this is all that was available for upload.

p.s. Spain's gonna win!

I also like Mrdjan Bajic, Myriam Arnelas, and Sofia Minson. You should check it out.

Hey there Ginger

2010-07-10T15:15:00.003+08:00

We should start painting our faces.

Or changing the colors and switching them around

and then smiling a little more . . .

I should also clean my room a little more,

but the thing is no matter how much I clean it gets messy within the hour again.

Being commercial is great, you get so many hits

and everyone loves you

So I'm recalculating if I should do the things that appeal to the widespread

Or the things I'm doing now, where there's exclusive clientele

There used to be a time where I cared and I wish I didn't.

Now I don't care anymore. But I think I still do, I just lie better.

P.s. I should write better.

This isn't a poem lah, don't be so confused.

Interesting

2010-07-08T21:42:00.002+08:00

A lot of what I am is made up of what my interests are. Or rather, to know anyone really is to know what they're interested in. I know for a fact that what I like and what I think about have a lot to do with the things I say, and the things I say have a lot to do with the person I am. And I also know for a fact that my interests have changed a lot across the years. I would like to think they've broadened, and I see it becoming more well-rounded. I'm pleased to say that these expanding list of influences have kept me rather satisfied with myself. Its also an important mention that I'm hardly ever satisfied with myself, so I count this as monumental to my overall self-development. (heehee!)

However, I would also like to acknowledge that all that I am is nothing if not because of the people around me. Its because of your influence and interests that I become a fuller person. You've all influenced me in ways that I'm so grateful for. So really, when I say you make me who I am. Know that this line is never truer.

As of now, these are the things that occupy my mind most of the time. My current interests as of now are (in no particular order):

Music, books, boys, World History, or any facet of History in general. A lot of it are wars and major world events/conflicts. Travel and Geography, in particular: Countries and Capitals, and sometimes flags.

This was my desktop background at one point in time

Some books on my desk (in order from Top): Einstein, Tolkein, Anthony Burgess, Roald Dahl, Ken Kesey, George Orwell, Jonathan Safran Foer.

Words, reading and writing (this much you already know). I find myself able to read almost all types of books as long as its good. My most favorite authors are Oscar Wilde, Jonathan Safran Foer, and I am shy to mention, because its not like he's regarded as one of the literary greats, but my heart belongs to Mr. Roald Dahl. If not only because he has captured me since my childhood days of "George's Marvelous Medicine" and "Matilda" to 'Tales of the Unexpected' and the darker ones like 'Skin'.

Also, very, very recently, thanks to my guy friends I'm all into AK-47s and Modern Warfare. I swear, I'm also going to watch all future EPL matches because I seem to have football withdrawal on days where there are no matches now.

Oh the power of the AC-130 gunship!

Oh yes, I'm all Spain, Fabregas and Arsenal-fied.

You should also know that I'm all over news, politics and current affairs- In particular Human Rights violations.

And also, I'm very much immersed in the whole Art, photography, and Fashion world-

TopShop Fall/Winter 2010 as released in Finland

(Major Sigh, we don't get these here do we?):

Givenchy Fall/Winter 2010

Fannie Schiavoni Autumn/Winter 2010.

Tavi Gevinson decked in Miu Miu

Then I have my Philosophy and Albert Einstein moments. Sophie's World (by Jostein Gaarder), brought about much of that, I have a "philosophy notebook" much like Sophie's now. But its currently still halfway done.

Also, Helping people. . . .

and much of popular culture at large . . .

suspended in air/fog/water art piece

Next up, I really wanna go skating again (As in ice). Watching people skate that day I realized I miss it a lot. and if there were an all-girl futsal team, I would join it. And, no really, I need to pick up a sport, my body is aching for it. Just like how you ache for it (double mayjah wink)

Love,

Jowee

P.S.

When a certain someone calls me "babe" I cringe. I want to say "Don't call me that!" but, its a girl. The consequences for saying that would be far greater than if it were a dude. Babe, I'm not your babe.
I saw a bimbo supporting Spain, almost took the joy out of everything. Then I saw David Villa shirtless again, and I was like "Oh okay fine. Understood."

I'm gonna Spanish Sahara your ass!

2010-07-08T17:16:00.011+08:00

First of all . . .

Life is really beautiful now.

Sigh Spain oh Spain, the sweetest satisfaction.

Second of all, and Ea will have a field day with this one:

On one of my recent conversations with Jo:

He said,

Jo:

I'm thinking of reading Lord of the Rings today

Jowee:

ooh ooh haf u read silmarillion ?

I have the book but reading it halfway .

Jo:

not yet!

I'm reading the first of the three books

what's the simlarillion?

Jowee:

well the silmarilli are three perfect jewels fashioned by feanor, the most gifted of the elves

when the first dark lord morgoth stole the jewels for his own ends, feanor and his kindred took up arms and waged a long and terrible war to recover them

its the story of their rebellion against the gods and the history of the heroic first age of middle-earth

its an account of the elder days lah basically, or rather the first age of LOTR

hooboy imanerd

Jo:

i think its hot.

that was so hot.

Jowee:

ahhaha LOL.

thanks.

edited by christopher tolkien

Jo:

christopher?

Jowee:

his son

p.s. Well, atleast someone thinks its hot.

Daryl Ong

2010-07-06T01:35:00.001+08:00

Our skype conversation on most nights usually go like this:

Daryl: mumblemumblemumblemumble...

Jowee: Whurt?!

Daryl: ...........what?

Jowee: haah?

Daryl: huh?!

Jowee: what?

Daryl: ............

Daryl: Our conversations are so intelligent.

Jowee: I know. . . I think we deserve the nobel prize or something.

Daryl: ............

Yes girls, there you go, my friend>>

whattacatch:

p.s. I forced him to take a picture of him in the suit.

My efforts are well rewarded.

you know those questionnaires people always do and you don't know why they do them? Yeah this is one.

2010-07-05T14:40:00.001+08:00

Be honest no matter what, then tag at least 10 friends.

01. Who was your last text from?

~ Huey Li (she's coming over tomorrow!)

02. Where was your default picture taken?

~Langkawi in our hotel room

03. Your relationship status?

~ Haiyah. shakes head* They always ask this question. Then my answers never change.

04. Have you ever lost a close friend?

~ Yes? No . . . wait yes . . . No I think. I don't think so lah.

05. What is your current mood?

~ Bored. Crazy. Indifferent. Nasty. In need of mental stimulation. That's why I don't talk to you (ha ha!)

06. How many siblings do you have?

~ 2

07. Whats your brother(s)/sister(s) names?

~ Why are we talking about them?! Isn't this about me here?!

08. Where do you wish you were right now?

~ In South Africa. Watching all the matches. Getting rid of Fabie's girlfriend. Pouncing on Fabie. Woohoo!

09. Have a crazy side?

~ Dude. you know it ;) Refer to previous answers.

10. Ever had a near death experience?

~ I'm pretty sure I have. Every time I sit in a certain crazy person's car.

11. Something you do a lot?

~ Think. too much. Or talk, about my feelings. too much. Daydream too much.

12. Angry at anyone?

~ Yes. majorly.

13. What's stopping you from going for the person you like?

~ He has a girlfriend, and my friend was like "and your point is?" Lol. Also, the fear of rejection and getting my heart broken into irreparable pieces. Isn't that a norm.

14. When was the last time you cried?

~ Two Fridays ago.

15. Is there anyone you would do anything for?

~ Yes. If you killed someone I would even help bury the dead body with you.

16. What you think about when you are falling asleep?

~ Usually sexual fantasies. Current favourite>> football players. Recently >> Phillip Wang and Wesley Chan of WongFu productions.

I guess that's why i find it so hard to go to sleep.

17. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?

~ Dad. He called to ask "EH whats your car number plate again?"

18. What is your favorite song?

~ My goodness. The toughest question you could ask me. I don't know how to answer this one. But I will you what I'm listening to now - Velvet Revolver - "can't get it out of my head"

19. What are you doing right now?

~ Feeling like I need to pee.

20. Who do you trust right now?

~ God. No really. its true.

21. Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?

~ Stole it from my sister's room. I'm pretty sure she got it from some edufair or something. itS an AUSMAT T-shirt.

22. Have you kissed someone in the past week?

~ hur hur. yes.

23. Who is your friend that lives closest to you?

~ i know Qirby lives nearby! and Victoriaa (Lin not Brown). No wait, NICK lah my neighbor! Lol. Our rooms are directly facing each other.

I live in Kota Kemuning lah~ We still have cows grazing at the side of the road.

24. Describe your life in one word?

~ Gay. ( Lol no lah, my life is amazing)

25. Who are you thinking of right now?

~ Shy to tell you. You're gonna tease me.

26. What should you be doing right now?

~ Something productive. Something Contributing to my 10,000 hours. Maybe i should practice on the guitar. No wait, I should be exercising right now.

27. What are you listening to?

~ Still Velvet Revolver - Spay

28. Who was the last person who gave you a hug?

~ Victoria Brown. BECAUSE SHE WAS LEAVING WAHHHHHHH SOBS!

29. Who was the last person who yelled at you?

~ That crazy malay man at the beach

30. Do you act differently around the person you like?

~ Yes. I become all retarded. Really. I become jello and like mush.

31. What is your natural hair color?

~ The color of awesomeness.

32. Who was the last person to make you laugh?

~ Hurr.r... Daryl Ong. (Hey atleast I'm laughing!)

33. Who was the last person to make you sad?

~ Torres. Why lah... El nino . . .you can do better than that.

34. What do you hear?

~ The sound of your hart beating! ! ! (Awhhhhh~~)

35. Is your hair curly or straight?

~ Straight. I wish it were Serena Van der Woodsen curly though.

36. Has anyone ever called you "scrumptious" before?

~ HAhahaha no. But sounds like an Iman vocabulary.

37. Do you have a best friend(s)?

~ YES! ! ! I LOVE THEM! ! !

38. Held hands with the opposite sex in the past 3 days?

~ NOpe. But I have hugged them? Full on physical body contact more than handholding right?

39. Do you use smiley faces on the computer?

~ :) yes ;)

40. Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?

~ Yes. Lol. Quite a few times. When I'm sure no one's looking.

41. Are you happy with life right now?

~ Hurr.... I wish it were more eventful. Like being able to travel. But generally happy.

42. Are you jealous right now?

~ Yes.

43. What jewelery are you currently wearing?

~ None at all.

44. What were you doing on friday night?

~ Shopping, welcoming a certain someone back , and seeing Vicky off for the last time.

45. Have you ever had your heart broken?

~ Yes. many times.

46. Have you ever broken someone's heart?

~ Yes. I'm SORRY!

45. Is there anyone you are dissapointed in now?

~ Yes. Very.

48. What was the last reason you went to the doctor for?

~ During the last 2 weeks, i've fallen ill, gotten a branch fall on my head which led to a mild concussion during the night, and I have the chicken pox now. All of which i didn't go to the doctors for. I'm sorry, its a personal policy. I don't go to doctors.

49. How late did you stay up last night and why?

~ 3-ish.

50. Tag ten people?

~ meh.

Wallflower

2010-07-04T21:57:00.003+08:00

By, Inch Chua

Hello world,

I'm a mismatched glove on the shelf of a hardware store

Its not like I know how I got here from before

Time just took me on its tide

Hello world,

I'm part of the world but I don't qualify to be

parts of society's social hierarchy

cause I was always cruising on my own

I wish that someone would notice me

its not like I'm so hard to see

Hello world,

Do I really have to look like the girls in the magazines?

Picture perfect framed and photoshopped to the last degree

Oh spare me wont you please

I wish that someone would wanna know me

It's not like I'm contagiously diseased

But I'll just hide in my garden

Plant my own seeds and watch me grow

But no no no they won't let me be

As they stand still and tease

Hello world I 'aint got the looks or the smiles as you can see

I was always just known as the black sheep of the family

cause I was never walking on the dotted line

I wish that someone would wanna know me

Its not like I'm contagiously diseased

But I'll just hide in my garden

Plant my own seeds and watch me grow

Then it won't be much longer till I become a pretty wallflower

You should google her.

You should also read 'Outliers' by Malcolm Gladwell.

Why I do not like to bathe

2010-07-04T01:51:00.005+08:00

Yes yes, you are so judging me right now I see all your judgy little eyes from across the globe/continents/computer screens.

Yes, I surprise everyone I tell this to. Its not like I don't bathe. I do. Everyday. And I am really clean and I'm sure I smell good because people tend to say so, and OTHER people tend to sniff me. So there. (finished in an indignant huff!)

Its just that even though I do bathe daily, its not that I actually like to. I just find it such a hassle. You have to first . . .

Take off your clothes. And while I'm sure the idea of this might be a treat for some and a revulsion for others. Taking off clothes requires... effort. Its like - take off shirt. Stare in mirror. Prod at fats. Maybe do sit ups. Take off pants. Look in mirror. Repeats process and walks around room for some more. By the time I actually get into the shower, 20 minutes have passed for just the taking off clothes part. I've just wasted so much time getting there. Sure sure, its easy to say "well Jowee why don't you skip all the prodding fats part and trying on new clothing combinations part?" Well! Its just in my nature to lah okay?! I deviate! and stall . . . because I don't like getting in the shower BECAUSE...
IT IS COLD. I hate being cold. The being naked part makes me cold, and the bathing in water part makes me cold. I do not like cold (This coming from the person that's heading off to Canada soon) Sure, there is the warm water option, but the water always starts cold, and I always forget that Jowee, you should remember NOT stand in the shower and turn on the faucet. Turn on the faucet first then get in! But in my defense! It is expected isn't it? To stand in the shower when you take a shower? So I do! And what do I GET?! I get the cold shock. and then I have to wait 3 minutes for the warmth.
The washing hair part. Because I have a thick head of hair and it takes really long to wash it.
The loofah particularity. I love loofas. But then I am a clean freak (yes contradiction to the whole notlikingbaths part. But again, in my defense! the being-clean part is the only reason why I drag myself in the shower) and I feel like the loofah is kinda dirty after being left alone in the bathroom, so I've got to wash the loofah. Then make sure its clean, then put on the liquid bathwash. Its like added steps right here.
I get bored in the shower. Which is why you should join me (*winks) No really. Scrub scrub scrub, and my brain gets bored at the inactivity. Sigh.
The after-hair wetness. CAUSE I have to wait a good 2-3 hours for it to air dry. and I always bathe before I sleep so waiting makes me wait longer. (oh the brilliant logic) And because my hair is already so spoilt I will not use hairdryers on it to burn it some more. So I wait, and get crankier cause I'm already so sleepy.

And I bet you ask, well Jowee, why don't you bathe in the afternoon? Well? Because what's the point? after that you're gonna get dirty again . . . so I'd rather just bathe one-shot during the night. ( you're going "eww" right now I know it!)

Yes, I've probably scared off whatever few boys that might've ever expressed the slightest interest in me now.

Dang.

Deficit.

IN MY DEFENSE! ( hoho How defensive I get in this post) I rarely sweat, even on the hottest of days. My skin is generally non-oily. SO I am quite clean always! Very clean in fact! See my face?

p.s. runs of grudgingly to shower.

Feelings . . . cicak on the ceiling . . .

2010-07-03T09:17:00.003+08:00

At frequent times in the year, I get into one of these moods again. Its the "oh my gosh we all have our own lives now" bouts of minor 'depression'. I start missing them again, and then wondering why they all have to leave me, and leave me here. . .

But no, really, its becoming more and more apparent how much we have our own lives now, and I'm just missing them tremendously. Reeling in. Trying to be 'normal', whatever that is.

I'm not sure I like it, I'm pretty sure I don't. But it has to happen right? We can't always be bound to each other our whole lives. But I hate that we can't.

Will. blog. properly. again. soon.

p.s. I have the chickeny-pox.

2010-06-30T17:48:00.002+08:00

I can write all sorts of beautiful, but sometimes it feels like I'm lying when I do.

Because while beauty is apparent in life, the truth is I'm all sorts of cynical.

So I can't stand feeling like I've lied about the beauty, because I actually see the ugly. And people don't like ugly.

Then other times, I feel I still need to write about these things, so that the ugly doesn't seem so bad. To remind myself that there are these things even when I don't feel it. In hopes that I could finally feel it, finally experience it for myself. Feelings fluctuate too don't they?

I think that's what I want, the experience and not just the head knowledge. So show me beauty, take me there, hold my hand. Drag me through the field of flowers and sunshine as I struggle relentlessly in my rabid reluctance. Then maybe I'd take a look around and discover its not so bad, that the outside world isn't filled with insects and diseases out to infect me.

I think it takes someone really special to be able to do that.

P.S. Go through the motions they say . . . well the motions make me queasy and I feel the need to throw up.

Oh to live in my own head is driving me crazy.